It had to be done. It is like designing some thing that when you come to make it, it turns out all wrong. The design seemed right, the pattern was good, but some thing got lost in translation and it just was not correct.
I had to say good-bye and when I said it I meant it. We had come far together but drifted apart from one another, the connection in its truth was lost.
In cutting it off even in only one arena was a severing that would have had an enormous impact of all of our futures. But if we are not connected then there is a lie and the relationship dies a slow unnoticed and unprepared death.
BUT, if the foundation is strong and the love was true in the first place, one can say hello all over again. You know if it is just reaction the need not to let go for it is different. I had honestly said good-bye to our love relationship, I had let it go no matter the pain of it, and I had to do it for I could not live in a half commitment a half-truth. He says that he loves me and I do know that he does, the question was could he show it and could he share it?
We had been through so many struggles in these last few years together. We had only had a few weeks of honeymoon period before life hit the fan and we had to face the ugliness of others jealousy and their bitterness to the world, dumped at our door. It grounded us rudely and abruptly, one cannot get that joy back again after that unless one really works hard at doing it.
We cried, we talked, I got mad and let my frustration out of all the disappointments that I had in every thing that we were and were doing.
Eventually I collapsed in to a fitful sleep now confused with my life and direction.
The next day, there seamed to be a different energy in the air, a signature of some thing before. When he said that he loved me it was with a meaning that I had not heard for a long time. He did not want me to go, he reached out to me in such a way that felt true and honest. Although I recognised his truth, I still did not know if I could go back or if the door was firmly closed, as when my door really closes it stays shut. But I had obviously left a crack open and he opened it up wide and we embraced the love that had been lost. Was it just in remembrance reaction? Was it here to stay; was I hoping for it to be real and not facing facts?
It is real, it is true, it is honest, for I know that feeling of trust I have with him when he is here with me in this truth. Is it here to stay? I truly do pray so for I do love this man and do want to be together through all we have been though the bad and difficult, the frustrations in our work and the no joys. We have reached for heights, but been pulled to the very depths. But when we are united we can do it all, and face all of it as long as we are together in our honesty and inner truth.
Will it last? Only if we work on it. We have worked so hard to bring this technology to light, it took every thing from us, we almost lost each other and the world, our children and believers would have it all, but what would we have had? In the end, a dream that went on with out us, leaving us with our two depleted souls.
We must make it work by giving us time to enjoy each other, words of love to each other, and value of each other at all times no matter what is happening around us. We must treat our selves as we do our business, respect it, value it and nurture it for it to reach its full potential. For if we do not, next time the door will close by its self and a love that could have been so wonderful, would have been left behind as a casualty of a successful business.
Remember folks, if some thing is so wonderful is in your life and you love it so much, do not think that with out nurturing it and giving honest love that it will always be there for you. Treat it like any thing else of value in your life, with respect, and integrity, and no there is no insurance policy on love, this one you have to work to keep.
I love you my Billie and may I always stay in love with you too.
UP DATE MARCH 5/09
Love and its many splendour is not for me. I know the love of respect of value for who I am and for what I stand for, but what seams to elude me is the true simple love of a man to woman.
No Billie and I did not make it, not in the true romance, it was just not meant to be. He loves me and could love me and live with me forever, but just as friends, partners, buddies.
I like living with Billie, we live well together and will business to do so, but now in separate bedrooms each single in our own right but forever friends and each others partners.
This is for the best, with all the demands placed on us with the development on the company, and Bill being of reclusive nature, we could not have loved one another man to woman because it would detracted from our purpose in our business, which is bigger than either on us.
So best of friends, house buddies, business partners we are and happy to be so. But if I am ever to love again in spirit mind body and soul that is up to the Gods, for I do not know if I am meant to be loved in that manner or if any one can love me like that.
I am a giver, the strong one, the brave one, the warrior, arms around me in strength and love do not happen.
So me love will be felt through the accomplishment of our business, the achievement of the Trust Funds and in the pride for what I stand for and that is enough…. although I long for a lovers arms around me loving me completely with out an-agenda.