I have come a long way in the last 8 years from my days of insecurity and self-doubt . I used to be so free spirited in my youth and lived by my instincts and free will, then life and all the negative experience took that innocent view of life from me and I for a while only saw darkness in my life, and to some point liked it, but now I am free of it all.
I understand why people go towards darkness; it can be easy if you are avoiding pain because you become numb to any thing both good and bad. I do not mean suddenly becoming a killer of torturer, but a person so filled with pain doubt and mistrust that hiding in the dark feels a safe place to avoid it all. It is dark, emotionless and requires no effort on your behalf to change any thing at all.
It is all a lie of course there is no hiding from life, no hiding from pain and no hiding from the responsibility to ones spirit and soul. As they say you can run but you cannot hide. There is no escaping your self no matter how you hide, drown it out drink it out or drug it out, you are always there face to face with your existence and the choices that you have made.
Yes, we make the choices not always in what happens to us but in how we choose to survive it. We can choose to fight for our selves or to give in, to except being a victim or stand up for our selves and turn it around to some thing good for our selves.
Yes choice, no matter what horrific things happen to us we have the choice in how we react to it. I know you are saying does a person who has suffered a car accident have a choice if they end up in a chair, yes; they have the choice to adjust to their new life style with dignity and triumph. You can choose to be woo is me, or rise to the challenge to over come the obstacle in your life and find a connection with in your self to a higher God or spirit to find that strength to overcome and move forward to a new life and all its possibilities.
I can hear you! I know that you are shouting that your circumstance is worse than any one else’s and that your pain is bigger than any one else, and that is because you have given that pain that torment the power to rule your life and cripple you in your own existence.
Is my pain any worse than yours? Who knows, it comes down not to how much pain but how we over come to the pain. It is not my owey hurts more than yours but how to find the strength and direction to come out of it and lead a productive life. We can do it and must do it in order not to be a victim for the rest of our lives.
I am a victim or rape and have mistrust in people because of it. I have logically over come my rape, it happened but I do not want to give them any more power than they think that they have. I have as you have, trusted the ones closest to you only to be betrayed in the worst way, the devaluing of who you are the degrading of your soul and the battering of ones spirit. I have been down this road, and I will not lie, it has left me scarred for life. But my challenge was to over come by giving back to my self my spirit my soul and my worth. How could any one else value me if I could not value my self?
How does a child who has been victimized get over it? With love, value and empowerment of the spirit. Teach the child that
A. IT WAS NOT THEIR FAULT THEY DID NOT ASK FOR IT IN ANYWAY.
B. LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY WITH OUT JUDGEMENT
C. EMPOWER THEM TO TAKE BACK THEIR LIVES AND LOVE AND VALUE THEM SELVES SO THEY DO NOT STAY A VICTIM
We are inclined in our nervousness not to talk about it; we are embarrassed, fearful or just cannot cope with it all. Just like death, we need to talk about it, to speak of what happened takes away the magnitude of it, desensitize the act not the person. Once the person who has been victimized fells comfortable with speaking about it, it takes the shame and the dirtiness away from it, putting the damming onto the victimizer not the victim. We have to face it, deal with it, not feel shame over it and we have to over come it. It takes time love understanding and the power of valuing the victimized person.
Why do I keep going on about valuing? It is because what rape or any victimization does, to take away your sense of value, your sense of any rights and you as a person, resulting you into a nothing of no worth or value, which is what the assailant wants, for you to feel like a nothing a no one garbage so that they feel some thing more than the garbage that they are and feel in them selves. They get empowerment by degrading you and taking away your self-power.
Yes I was once a free spirit once, a bundle of life and joy and lived in trust. It got beaten out of me not just once but many times because I did not fight for my self worth but started to believe that I was worth nothing or why would these things keep happening to me. But one day I woke up and made the choice.
I was dead in my life for many years, being what ever any one wanted me to be. I looked always positive so not many new of my dead soul. I had given up I did not feel worthy of life. I was in a soul-destroying marriage where I would be beaten down on a regular basis for not being good enough for my husband. I felt a lousy mum be cause I could not show them hope or the joys of life. I loved them completely and if it were not for them I would have gladly totally died.
But one day my hope visited me, a spirit even for a short while lifted me up and I started walking towards the light of living, it gave me some strength enough to start fighting for my existence in any way I could. It was not easily for I always felt that big brick wall of not being worthy in my way. Through my spiritual beliefs I found help and started my long journey back to my life.
I could not go back to what I was or I would be come a victim again. I had to be stronger, surer and in tuned with my spirit soul and mind in order for my heart to beat with the sounds of life again. I had to block out all and any one how stole my energy or who lived in negativity. I had to take journeys in to find my soul and not be affected by the bombardment of negative shattering going on around me. People do not like change especially if you are changing for the better. They do not like it because you remind them of their misery and the fact they do not want to or do not have the courage to make the choices to change their lives for the better.
Making a choice to change to de program all that has been and to start all over again is a hard one and one that needs commitment and tenacity and courage to succeed in. There is no gain with out some pain, but the rewards are so great that it puts you on another level of existence that you never could have thought off before.
So why the extrovert to introvert? If I have done all this work and I am at peace with my self and do not live in fear any more why am I an introvert? Because I choose to be. I was the extrovert to cover up my inadequacies because I never felt worthy enough, so I would be over the top to over come what I though I was not.
Now I do not need to. I only have friends with my good will at heart, I only give love to those who show value of me, I only hold dear those that I can and will trust. It is not about the masses but the selected few that I need around me. I can give them my all in trust and receive all in faith because I know that I can trust them.
I do not need the attention I needed before in order to make an impression, I do not need to please every one around me to be of self-value. My energy is so far out there in the universe that to blast it around to those who do not know how to use it or value it is a waste of energy. I am a giver will always be, but now it is given to those who will honour it reproduce it and turn around to pass it on to some one else.
I like watching people and life around me, I like dipping in when I feel like it. I like stepping back and observing life from out of the circle. I like my own company and no longer I am I running from my self.
I have found my peace, my equilibrium, love and honor and most of all value to my self and society. I am finally whole reborn new born carrying with me the wisdom of life.
It is a journey, sometimes hard sometimes a breeze, but which ever way the winds blows we have to walk our path, for it is our meaningful journey of life.
ART BY NATASHA
Story By Sara Troy