The pain of knowing you have to say good-bye.

I have just come of from Skyping my mother and sister in the UK. My sister tells me that my mother has been ill and my mother is telling me that she is looking to check out some time soon.
This of cause being so far away has got me very upset. I am powerless to do any thing about it, I can only beg that she holds on for a little more time, but being so far away to help her to make a difference in her life to give her a reason to hold on is not there.
My mother will be 91 in January, she is frail and life is getting more and more difficult for her. She can’t sit up or stand for any length of time, as her back is crumbling and her legs are giving away. She needs care, some one to wash her, help her to the bathroom and to cook for her. This in England does not happen anymore unless you are very rich. The government in its wisdom supports illegal immigrants at the cost of the elderly who have given the lives and loves to their country.
My mother lives with my brother who is over whelmed with my mothers aging. I believe he is afraid of not being able to cope and watching her die, and also some fear of getting old himself. He is a writer and University lecturer who has just been made redundant. He will have 2 books coming out next year and has many more books ready in waiting. His time is spent on rewrites and new novels for which he will have to live on in the future. Looking after my mum has become very stressful for him, as he is a man who fears age and the needs for the aged. He knows my mother as a vibrant woman with a common passion for words books and life’s opinions. To see her decaying in front of him scares him, disgusts him and cripples him. But he does it, despite the groans and complaints he does it. My fear now is that he is no longer able to look after her, as she is so frail now she requires more help than he can give.
My sister has her own health to deal with she is a recovering cancer survivor and went though this with her own father (same mum but different dad) and even though she is the most qualified (as she was once a nurse and is very good at nursing )to go through this, but it is not fair to ask her to do it again as it affects her own health and well-being.
Why don’t I go over? Because of money, because of the business, but would go like a shot when the money comes through.
I am so many miles away feeling helpless, wishing I were there, wishing that our long journey of motor development was further along so I could provide the money for her to have all the help she needs. I often think God can be cruel, I have begged the Gods for me to make the money before my mother gets to frail so that I could provide a more comfortable life for her, now it will be too late, and her discomfort and fear will go with her to her death.
I am not under the illusion that my mother still has years to go, but her mind is very astute and her will power strong, but her body is letting her down fast and she can not cope with the restriction of aging in this way. I know that at her age it is expected to happen, I know all of that, but she is my mother and I so wanted to give some value of life to her so that she could go with out the struggle that has been with her all her life. To know that someone is taking care of her 24/7, that she did not have to be a burden on any one and that she could at least be in comfort. She has not had an easy life, and yes she could have been more proactive in her decisions as we all could at stages in our lives. But she was far more adventures than many I know and reached out to life even if she forgot to grab hold of it some times, she traveled, emigrated to South Africa and ventured out in the world to learn and know more.
I love my mother, she has not always liked my choices in life, I think most of them, but when I went on this journey to develop this new engine, even though she did not get the technology, she believed in what I was doing even though she did like the cost to me. That belief in me and her undying love helped me to keep going even when times got really tough. I so wanted to make it before she went so I could share the success with her and make her days happier and less stressful.
Now looking at her, knowing that she is so frail and that I cannot provide that freedom makes me feel like I have failed her. I know that she will not see it this way, but I do. I know that if it is her time it is, but not this way, not with worry of who will look after her, where is the money coming from, will it be without pain without regret with out sorrow?
Just let her go you say! If it is time yes I will reluctantly let her go, but all I am willing is for her to go in peace, dignity and in comfort, is that too much to ask for her?
I beg her to hold on a little now time, so that the Gods and I can deliver some release of worry and provide care for her. All my prayers are on the immediate success of the motor so that I will be able to provide care to my mother in her time on need. I know we all have very important prayers in our own lives, but if you can spare a prayer, please would you pray for my mum Joanna, that she will not suffer and that I will be able to get her the care she needs before it is too late, I would be so grateful for the prayers and maybe they will reach her and give her the energy to hold on just a little it longer long enough for me to make that difference in her life and in her death.
Love you Mama Jo and thank you for always being there for me with me and loving me. Your daughter Sara

MARCH 1ST 2011.
I visited my mother in January for her 91st birthday. Although she has bad mobility and is longing for people to talk to, she is still very much with us. As I have said to my family when they ask me how I make her laugh, I speak with her not to her, and all she wants is a respectful chat. I know she will be around for a while longer and I know that she will live to see this success of mine and be relieved and proud, I look forward to that date which is drawing nearer.

Update I got to see her one last time 2014, she passed February 13th 2015
Love you Mum

BY Sara Troy

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