The Rewards of Waiting.

Posted on March 11, 2010 by Sara Troy

If I ever hear the word patience again I may just do something terrible. I have lived that word most of my life, I am a decisive woman who makes her mind up and then likes to act on it, this hurry up and wait is exasperating.
But, what I have learned from the word is that when it is right it is worth waiting for and that you cannot hurry any thing if it is not yet right. So patience and I have become almost friends, we have learnt to put an idea out there and wait to see if it is the right one. If I get excited and try to rush it, it will put the breaks on me and then it is all full stop. So gently slowly, and for a personality like mine hell to do, I have learnt to walk before running, to believe trust and give it to the universe for approval before acting on the thought.
5 years for this last one, 5 years of believing, following running, crawling, begging, distrusting, hating, loving, hurting, loosing but at the end of it, gaining bigger than expected, deeper and stronger than ever, I have learnt that when it is right even though it is not on my time table, it will be what it is meant to be.
It all comes down to trust, to trust you have to believe, to believe you can have no doubt, to have no doubts you have to practice the art of positive thinking = positive living. It all comes down to choice, not of where we are going, that was long ago decided, but in how we journey, and in what frame of mind.
I admit for a person who preaches positive thinking, I do falter some times, I allow other peoples negativity to come in and cloud my belief. I have lived with the negative vibes around me all my life, was always told I couldn’t not that I could. To this day I still get it from people who remember me how I was not who I now am. They do not see me in this light of positive belief and that just maybe I can make it happen and that maybe I did make it happen.
Peoples perspectives are hard to change, some don’t want to because your change from adversity to possibilities is to hard for them to do them selves, so they keep you down with them or dam you for climbing above the hell and succeeding.
It does surprise you who at the end of the day who do believe in you. I have some wonderful people who have followed my many long journeys and their belief in me and encourage meant has kept me going when it got too bad. I am very lucky, for one never travels alone, when you start out you think it is you against the world and as you travel you find out just whom your friends are because in a supportive way they are making the journey with you. I could not have got here without them and I will take them into our success with me because they should share the benefits as it is for them also.
So now after 5 long years, hunger, stress beyond belief, testing over and over again, roller coaster rides from hell, imbeciles I stand at the brink of accomplishment.
The hardest thing out of all of this was to believe truly believe that I could do it, Bill my business partner believed in me, those special friends did, and even though my family freaked out over the direction I was going in, they supported me in hopes that I was after all, right about it all.
Now just 3 more weeks and one hard turbulent journey comes to an end and an inspiring new adventure begins. My new life and the hope and possibilities of new hopes and dreams for those that travel with us will be invigorating, and I will finally say to patience, thank you friend for where you have led me.
Never give up and never give in, but learn to follow Gods plan instead of trying to rewrite it.
Possibilities to everyone.
Sara Towe
March/2010
Alas it did not happen, it is not only patience but peoples commitment that one needs and both are challenging me. One day I will find someone who is a believer that commits.

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It’s a new life a new day in a new way

Posted on February 9, 2010 by Sara Troy

Well, I prayed for help and we got it, I asked for Bill to be safe and Kokomo (the dog) while I was away visiting my mum, and even though he was not happy he was safe. I asked for rescue of our selves and we were, I asked to drive a safe legal car and I am, and a home again sheltered from the rain, and we are in a safe home secure and cozy with our comforts around us. But most of all I asked for real ground floor investors to take us to the next level in honesty and truth and we have them.
Do not think that prayers are not answered they are, but they have to be asked in complete belief and with no doubt attached in order to be really heard. I let my fear and anger get out of the way and spoke in my true belief in clarity and purpose, and I was heard.
It does not matter if you are in the right place; it also has to be the right time. We are right back to the beginning talking to the same people or one removed and arms length to others that were sort after many years ago. Timing it is oh so important.
But were we ready? We had a vision that has changed and evolved over the last 5 years. We have redirected and improved and structured and blue printed over and over again till we believe that we have a good plan in order to move forward. It just needed the right thinkers the right visionist to come forward to walk this walk with us, to ignite flame from which we have been holding the touch for so long.
We have done the long audios walk, we have laid the ground from which to stride from, we have paid the price for others to benefit from, we have lost love and family in hopes of one day regaining it in belief that this work was so important that the price was worth it and all would be alright in the end, that love would understand. Now it is time to succeed and for all of us to gain from.
Will it be told or remembered the journey that bought us to this moment? I have been asked what held us up for so long, and my answer has always been ‘people”, the right people. I wanted spiritually based believers, action takers and commitment to that action type of people, and until now we never found them, believe me not the commitment ones. We have met soooo many of all types and yes I was getting very jaded about it all. I so believed that there was at least one person who was able to see it, act on it and follow through with it, but it took so long to find them, so long and so many in the mean time.
We have had total believers, except, either they could not deliver, or were full of it, of wrong timing, or unable to take us forward because they did not know the people to get us there or did not have the money. We have had some wonderful people who have believed in us and who have helped us through this journey in so many ways. We will never forget them and they will be rewarded for that belief.
It has been hard to let go of the reigns. I do not think any one knows how hard. I have been crusading this motor for 5 years with such total and absolute belief that to suddenly to just hand it over and step back is so hard to do. I will step back, but not away, we are not done yet we have much more to do and until at least the first licensing deal is done and our foundation is a go, I will keep vigilant and focused, but step back and let every one do their job for now.
My partner is brilliant, but introverted; it is hard to know what goes on in there. I have been the forefront man handing of the stage to him for others to see the true vision. When he first spoke to me about the motor I was transformed to another place where I saw just how important this technology is and just how brilliant this man is. I have nurtured him, looked after him, fought for him and led him and stood by him in all ways. I did my best, but as I am not a trained businesswoman, I just had to follow my instinctual intellect and trust the Gods to direct me.
He was a retreated man when I met him, down in his deep dark cave, I do believe that I bought him out and by believing in him and his vision (and funding it) I saw the gifted man he is and I am always in awe of what he knows and his vast vision of things even out of his realm. In my work I see the possibility in a person, the all they can be, but most are to fearful, lazy or blooding minded to strive to their own excellence. I have had the honor of seeing a few people make it through and embrace their gift and soul, and this man is one of them for which is why I have taken this journey to see him succeed.
Now we are so near, real action been taken, real results been made, just a few more steps and quick action and we will take another leap to great heights and finally see the results of this adventure and growth for which it has been destined for. So exciting, so anticipating, so nerve raking. It is also time for me to rejuvenate my own soul, but this journey has most certainly beaten it out on me. I never lost me belief or purpose or conviction, but have lost my spirit and human belief. I need to go deep and try and free myself again for my soul and when the time is right be able to fly again in peace joy and wonderment.
I have done it a few times in my life, come back from pain, darkness and been beaten down, I will do it again. The success of the foundation needs it as do my children and those that believe in me, for spiritless I am no good to any one.
I hope that my journey with my partner although it is changing direction, will always be true, be honest and be purposeful, for you can not take a journey like this and not be the best of friends and find joy in the accomplishment that we have made together.
I look forward to that day that we can celebrate its success and feel the pride and joy of our own journey in getting there.
For now, keep believing in your self and in what you believe in. Do not waver no mater what and what ever happens good or bad, know that it is there for a reason and just walk the road in trust, because what you seek is just round the corner, don’t give up now nor ever.<>
<>That was six months ago, are we any further? an inch or 2, but not where I expected to be. I came back for I could see nothing moving forward, it is not my partner for I know his frustration and indeed pain. He is so close to walking away from it all, and it is a daily journey to keep him from going. I would be devastated, crushed beyond belief for all that I have become is faith in this man his technology and this journey to bring this gift to the world. I pray very hard that we can weather the storm just a little longer so that we can find the people who are the energizers of this project and can and will truly bring it to its possibility.
For now all I can do is pray, believe, focus, drive and push through and provide the keys we need to indeed walk tall in big strides moving forward.
I ask for your prayers please as this technology is a gift to the world for its en-betterment as well as rewarding my belief in it all. Time will tell, but time is running out fast.

2010

Sara Towe

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What a difference a day makes.

Posted on February 7, 2010 by Sara Troy

Yes we had another melt down; I think that every 14 months one is allowed. But what it does is getting rid of all the negative vibrations that build up in us and releases them. Now feeling empty and we can fill our selves with the light that got clouded over and see our way forward.
I mean if you have had a journey chosen for you and things go wrong, it just means that you are not listening to the directions and then one gets lot. So focused and hearing well, I listen and now I hear, my eyes do see and my soul can feel again.
Stress is such a killer, health, vision, doubt, fear, it is nothing but darkness. Some times you just cannot fight it, especially when you are physically tired and emotionally beat. But when it is spent, and you have let it go, you go back to what matters most, your belief.
The ones tuned into me heard me, they came to my rescue, helped me though the storm. They are connected in such a way that we are bound to each other for the journey and also the purpose, we are all bound by what will be in what ever way.
I live my life in faith, belief in what and why I do. I cannot go in any other direction because it is like me turning my self inside out. Horrible thought, but that is what it feels like. I have journeyed this road for 5 years now, up hills down into bogs, through fog and clarity. I have walked it in belief even if not in understanding, I have walked in purpose but not in direction. I know why I do it, but not the how. I know I must gather the believers the builders the leaders along the way, and I am, even to though only in the few.
For me to stop or turn around will mean that every thing I stand for every thing I believe in, every thing that people believe in me, would have been a lie. My life a lie, I have lived that lie before I will not do it again for I would rather die.
So with renewed vigour and rebuilding of energy, I walk forward. In my clarity I am hearing my direction and understanding the why. I can even though my stomach is still tight, feel the truth and I can believe again where once the doubt was creeping in.
We are never alone, even though we feel we are. Just believe even when it is hard, for that belief is the truth of it all and in that truth is direction to the purpose.
I wish every one clarity and peace, and to know that we do not journey alone.
Sara

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Our PowerShare

Posted on February 5, 2010 by Sara Troy

Why have we doubted our power?

Why have the majority bought into the belief, “we can’t,”
rather than putting our faith in those who’ve insisted, “we can”?

How has it become
the masses favor disbelief,
accepting realities of disempowerment,
when all they most desire is available
with the simple shift of focus
to a paradigm in which
possibility abounds?

If, on the other hand,
we have chosen to go against the grain,
believing in what others have deemed impossible,
holding firm conviction in our potential to overcome all obstacles –
what is the purpose of those moments
we discover doubt growing into a force drowning our hopes,
in which the beauty of our dreams seems to fade into
merely an illusion?

How is it,
we have made such progress,
in breaking out of limited thinking,
extending our vision to perceive
that which others would regard inconceivable –
yet find our hearts recoiling to retreat
in the fictitious haven of fear?

Though all the world’s progress has come
thanks to the creative imagination
of mankind’s most extraordinary visionaries –
how far can we float up,
with our heads in the clouds,
before we lose touch with reality,
our bubbles eventually to burst,
leaving us crashing down painfully to hit the ground?

How powerful are we?

How strong is our influence?

How much is there to all this “Law Of Attraction” stuff?

Though we indefinitely hold authority
to interpret affairs for our empowerment or repression,
to what extent can we affect the outer world with our thoughts?

Is it viable that our thoughts could so powerfully sway
the decisions of others we’ve never met,
directing the unfolding of events others ultimately command?

Is it idealistic, unfeasible, and foolish to think
our imaginings could possibly dominate over the powers
others yield over circumstances in our material world?

Or are such doubts of our mental-spiritual abilities
but the seeds of such powerlessness’ prophetic self-fulfillment –
a short-sightedness blinding us to the bigger picture,
in which these deviations from absolute trust
are but necessary colors in the spectrum
giving contrast & depth
to the grand vision?

Where is the balance
between accepting that we cannot change,
and broadening the limits of that we can?

Where is that fine line drawn
between exploring realms of possibility,
and getting lost in delusions of
what could but never can be?

How far must we go
in envisioning prospects of our future,
giving consideration to each possible outcome,
before concluding on that which we
prefer to select as our fate?

How far must we dip
into the negative probabilities
inherent in the dice’s roll,
before commencing an agenda
aligned with the highest good?

Thank goodness,
we are benefited the delay between our thoughts & their manifestation…

For as nice as it would be to have everything
the way we wanted most immediately,
God forbid the instantaneous appearance of our worst fears…

Blessed we are,
receiving the challenges testing our character,
only through which we may discover that
we are truly made of…

Were all our wishes simply granted on the spot,
how would we know our capacity to handle
the arduous situations out of the genie’s reach to transform?

Had each of our selfish demands been met,
would not our weaknesses have been allowed
the space to flourish,
to the detriment of every strength?

Unfair,
life may seem at times;
though from what perspective?

Should it be,
unaware to us,
we are being served perfectly,
from the hand of divine wisdom?

Might there exist,
unbeknownst to our limited minds,
the universe is indeed conspiring in our favor,
providing us all that we need at the precise time
it may spiritually benefit us best most appropriately?

Cruel,
life’s dishings may often appear,
striking us as the cause of hope’s depletion –
though under what shade of light?

Could we truly have unshakeable faith,
if doubt were not to rear its ugly head,
reminding us of its necessity for our re-centering
in whichever we choose as our base state?

So difficult,
the journey’s tribulations can come across as –
hurdles giving the impression of an elusive enemy
scheming for preservation of our unjust impoverishment…

Yet,
have we not been issued the space for creation,
in which,
given time and concentrated effort,
the fulfillment of our longings may be revealed
as a result of our own intention & focus?

And,
would we honestly want unbounded prosperity,
if we were denied the experience of its lack,
which without,
appreciation of wealth would be unknowable?

…

At the end of every storm,
comes a calm…

At the arrival of each moment,
appears an opportunity…

to redefine ourselves,
not based upon our past –
to give into which only may constrict our expansion
into greater depths of self-discovery & self-expression –
but upon our increasingly lofty standards –
the adherence to which can only forward our development
as exceptional beings unfolding in their divine Godliness –
is to expound our latent capacity for immeasurable creation…

A tragedy, perhaps –
so few of us daring to step beyond
the perceptions restricting sight from seeing
the world of promise awaiting
on the other side of judgement…

Though,
if it were our desire for
the awakening of our fellow citizens –
that which can only bring the peace & harmony
we truly desire at the core of our souls –
would it not be but the transpiration of
our own clarity’s invocation
to spur the transformation
of our planetary consciousness,
leading us into a new age in which
we recognize & harness our power
to construct a reality satisfactory
to our spirit’s calling?

How could we but overcome
our greatest barriers,
if not in presence of belief
in our own power?

What outcomes would we be inclined to produce,
given the denial of our faculty for choice –
being swayed by random occurrences,
rather than responding consciously
to the options laid out
in each stretch of breath?

Why might we have been put in these settings,
if not to discover our ability to create our reality –
if not fully every detail on the outside,
at least our overall experience on the inside?

As the clock turns,
each second moves us closer,
or further away from,
that frame capturing our entirety –
the state from which our power may emanate,
bringing forth the change on the exterior
first envisioned from that altitude
transcending time & distance…

The choices remains…

At which point in now,
will we step into that frame?

Are we content accepting
self-imposed limitations,
or are we ready to put doubt aside,
in exchange for the gift of liberation?

May God be with us in taking that leap,
holding our hands as we go
where few have walked,
whispering words of wisdom as
we venture into the unknown,
warming our hearts
with the touch of certainty,
letting us know we’ll be alright in the end,
despite what troubles we may face on our way…

Let us embrace both the power
in a higher force & ourselves,
realizing they are one in the same,
exercising the courage to embody the divine…

To our own selves,
may we be true…
By Rok

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Where Eagles fly

Posted on February 3, 2010 by Sara Troy

Where Eagles fly far up in the sky amongst the spirit of the winds and the purity of air, by the warmth of the sun and the music of silence, and the heart beat of earth’s vibrations, I fly. 397483_2957499780653_1356244383_3080432_435290851_nI see from far above the pain and beauty, I see the miracles and destruction, I see the abundance and over indulgence I see the over whelming hate and the uplifting joy of love, from up here I see it all, but where do I belong.

The undertone of earth’s grumblings pulls me down into a space I find it hard to breath. I belong in the sky with the spirit of the wind carrying me up and over the lands for me to see where I am needed. With the warmth of the sun on my back protecting me the music in the wind and the uplifting spirit of flight, I can see, hear and feel the answers that I need to move on with.

What ever I need to know the heavens will tell me, what ever I need to feel I am open to and what ever I see good or bad I see in comprehension through my eagles eyes.

I do not get to choose what visions are given me, but I do get to choose in how I react to them. I lived amongst the earths core for so long that these vibrations of sorrow and pain have left their mark on me, and every now and again when my flight is in falter those memories come back to me.

I get upset when I am with people of whom I see their truth, ability and calling, as that is what I bring out in people, but when I see them fly one moment with open wings and express such enthusiasm then proceed to go back into their fear, the control their boundaries, I get upset for the earth’s core has grounded them and they lose that ability to dream and make a dream come true.

I cannot go back there, I belong in the sky, and if I succeed on my way in finding these free spirits and we fly together, wonderful. My only concern is finding the ones the earth needs to fly with us now, the fearless, the visionsest, and the actionist, for now is the time to fly while the wind is strong and the sun warm and with Gods map by are side, we can fly to a place and set things in motion for the earth bounds to follow.

I fly as low as I dare so as not to jeopardize my being, low enough to radar the frequency for the believers to fly to. Once there, it is up to them to choose to follow-up or go back to their safe haven. Nothing ventured nothing gained, if you do not try how will you succeed and if you can see it, live in it, and feel it, you can make it happen.

Choice, the choice to do or not to do, the choice to act on the feeling or suppress it, the choice to take that chance or walk away, the choice to go where you cannot see but know in your heart and soul you must because it feels right, the choice to feel life run through your veins like an energy that lifts you up to the heights of heaven and gives you all you need to follow a dream a purpose your existence.

We all have a purpose and most of the time we ignore that calling because of fear, not being tuned in to the opportunities and unable to just let every thing go in trust and faith. God asks us to listen to our hearts and souls, for it is there that he speaks to us but only if we listen in our truth, for through our inner lies we cannot hear him. Open up, face your self, let the doubt out and let it all go, be free to see what the heavens want to show you, only honest true to your core openness can see it and then follow it, but first tune in to your soul and live its truth by being who you are not what you have been programmed to be.

I must fly, for that is how I see hear and feel my knowledge, do you care to fly along side of me and see what adventures we will get into what light we can shine!!!!!!!!!

By Sara Towe

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NUMB.

Posted on February 2, 2010 by Sara Troy

After a while one just becomes numb to it all. Internally the turmoil proceeds, but its deep breath time with here we go again, and keep trudging forward, but numb to the pain of it all.
I guess I am being tested as to how many hits I can take, some one keeps hammering me. I wish they would understand that it is not only me, but countless of people industries and vibrations that they are effecting by tipping my boat. So I keep getting wet, it does not stop me getting back in the boat.
I wonder if it is more testing those around us. They say they are believers that they can see the picture and want to be apart of it, but as they say the test is in the pudding. Do they stay when things go awry, or do they run? Do they have tenacity to make some thing happen, or do they go to easier pastures just because it does not require faith but just following.
I think I am gathering leaders, those that will build, lead and transpire other lives. I think I have some good people around me who will be a part of this wonderful future of opportunity and possibilities. But only time will tell.
I have to admit, I am tired, this 3 steps forward and 2 back is tiring, especially when you have done it for so any years. But every time I think it is hopeless I remind my self of where my soul was 10 years ago, and even though I do not have the money yet, I am rich in soul, belief, people, possibilities and faith.
This does not always go well with others, as they just see struggle, desperation and to them failure. They do not understand, that in order for us to build this opportunity for others to embrace, we have to keep our focus tight. As it is, our fatigue is getting to us, our bodies racked with pain and blemishes because of all the stress, but our faith is so firm that what ever keeps been thrown at us we have no other option but to keep walking against the wind till the wind decides to be behind us.
I believe that wind lies in the people around us, with their faith in us, the Gods and them selves, we can change it around and lift our feet for the wind to blow us to all of our destinies.
The frustrating thing is that the money is just an arms reach away, but in order to get it, we need money to go and get it. So little for so much, so much for so many possibilities to come into place, so many dreams to grow, so many industries to save, so many lives to change. When one looks at it, the suffering and frustration right now is going to be worth it, even though right now that is debatable. Can my body take any more? Can my stomach take it and can my red blemished face? Do I keep having to reassure every one else that we can and will deliver? Yes, I guess so, and those left when money is in hand will deserve the investment into their lives/projects, for they stayed with the belief no matter what.
We will loose people along the way, it is not fast enough for them, they want to but can’t quite believe enough to stay, their fear takes over, and they want security before any thing else, they don’t believe in us. But for those that walk, there will be others to fill their place, and even though we will have money in hand, they will still have to prove their belief in order to join us. Because with out faith, there cannot be truth, with out truth there cannot be trust, with out trust there cannot be life.
So here we go, we keep believing that all these delays have a reason, the issue is to try and understand what that is. For now just trying to keep my head above water keep positive thoughts, keep focused and most of keep believing, for it will not happen unless my inner core and my outer shell believe all the way, no matter what is around me, I must keep believing in order to make it happen, for that ladies and gentlemen is faith.
Thank you Rok for keeping the faith, you are the beleiver.

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Out Of This, Can Come Anything

Posted on February 2, 2010 by Sara Troy

Out of anxiety,
can rise confidence;
from the depths of our worst imaginings,
may we discover inner reserves of strength,
should we be wiling to face the discomfort
and own our shadows…
,

In the depressions,
could surface peace;
summoned in the breadth of our darkest nights,
might we claim eternal stocks of power,
if only we be open to confront the dis-ease
and accept our weakness…

Beyond the conditions of the now,
lies a field of infinite possibility –

in which the transmutation of our demons
may reveal angels of good fortune,
lifting our burdens
to clear way for the blessings…

in which the trials of our character
may produce clarity in self-knowledge,
shattering our delusions
to make room for the outgrowth
of our higher selves…

in which the cessation of the past
may invoke possession by pure Life Force,
removing our obstructive judgements
to guide our ascent to enlightenment…

Who are we,
to believe we know what is best,
when the world-views we’ve clung to
have only resulted in our suffering;
when the lifestyles we’ve chosen
have only produced greater disconnection;
when the attitudes we’ve expressed
have failed us time & time again…

Who are we,
to think we understand right & wrong,
when the judgements we’ve held close
have only perpetuated our conflicts;
when the condemnations we’ve decided upon
have only generated increased tensions;
when the opinions we’ve imposed
have disempowered other to all our loss…

As the world burns,
so our spirit cries –
our brothers’ and sisters’ pain
but a projection of our own;
seeking intervention & justice,
though neglecting the inner child,
short, attempts fallen,
chaos continues…

As out light shines,
so the world brightens –
our collective awakening,
but the macrocosm of our small,
healing, fragmented wholes;
creating peace & integration
through collaboration with each others’ Gods,
sustainably, success built,
order prevails…

In the psyche’s pits & trenches,
the seemingly horrific shades of emotion
cutting us off from joy,
lay the seeds of transgression;
our greatest days ahead,
should we nurture them with faith –
the framework of a glorious garden
emerging with the dominance
of our will to persist…

Not in action,
will the “answers” be found
in these times of testing,
but in retreat –
into the silence of the soul,
wherein the courage remains,
putting rest to the worries
of our imperfect days…

Not in movement,
will the foundation of success be built
in our moment of breakdown,
but in stillness –
from the calm of our heart,
wherein the power resides,
overcoming all petty challenges,
time’s inevitable ebbs,
giving way to flow again…

As the mind races,
so our whole scatters –
our emotional upheaval
but a whirlwind
of thoughts gotten out of control;
balancing imagination & practicality,
in the ethereal realms,
creativity craving form,
restlessness prolonged…

As the breath deepens,
so our being purifies –
our communal reintegration,
but a consequence of our individual
rejuvenation & integrity’s regeneration;
bringing harmony and progression,
with resolve to transcend turmoil,
quietly, struggle ceases…

Out of frustration,
can rise clarity;
from our battles with the demons of impatience,
may we discover infinite stores of grace,
should we be accepting of both polarities
and claim our dual nature…

In the hollows,
could materialize certainty;
invoked by the intensity of our most difficult moments,
might trust in its every form be ours,
if only doing right in allowing its opposite
and ending our resistance…

May our hardest hours
be the gateway to the brightest light;
through the sludge of mental pollution
we gain sight of greener pastures,
stepping forward to bask in the glory
of limitless prosperity…

May our dire days
be the precursor to the wondrous freedom of expression;
through the valleys of spiritual confusion
we collect the wisdom to create sweeter feats for the soul,
marching ahead to taste the victory
of detachment from the ego’s suffering…

Let us create the space…

for leaders & visionaries,
whose tones of powerful influence
may add harmony & rhythm to our melodies,
chanting the formulas for alchemy…

for greater possibilities,
in which our enemies – outer & inner –
may be befriended & partners in
channeling faith into the building of sustainable wealth…

for more interpretations,
whose contrasting shades may color our reality,
breathing hope into the forgotten corners of community…

for strength & flexibility,
with which the insights of our guides may be followed,
opening humbly to the collaboration with a higher power…

Out of this,
can come anything…
Rok Sivante

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The Non-Alcoholic Chronicles • Tabytha Towe

Posted on February 2, 2010 by Sara Troy

Day 1 Jan 20th, 2010: Initiation and instant regret
“So how come you’re not drinking?” My friend asks. But before I could even answer, he replied … “you’re broke, aren’t you?”

The last hangover just passed and I’m relieved it’s over, except that falling asleep is the next challenge.

If ever there was a sign then goddamned it I just got it. I spent the last few hours writing a piece that I was going to send off to publish just mere seconds ago, though due to feeling like arse and being overly tired, I erased it by accident. This detox isn’t going very well so far, and it’s only just begun. Now I want a fucking drink already! I will make this one short therefore; I really should go to bed (that’s what the Cleanse tells me to do, but she doesn’t know me yet.) The lack of Jack is going to do my head in, I can tell.

I have decided to do something rather drastic as I will have eyes on me awaiting a slip up, seemingly because people care, or perhaps it humours them to see me squirm, or they just plain have no faith I will manage. I need some of that faith, especially after losing my work on the click of a button. The only way to re-write this after being discouraged is to take it as symbol that cheating on my diet will have significant repercussions. That way it will further enorce my good behaviour on this strict task at hand for me, to me, by me. That’s a lot to put on me.

Over the next 12 days, I, Tabytha Towe, will be sober for the first time since…..god, years! Not to this extent anyhow. Respectfully I understand that 12 days is not that long, but I’m the kind of person who likes to have a glass of wine with dinner and a nightcap before bed, it never hurt. Only now I’ve been doing too much drinking and not enough working, so I have swollen kidneys and an empty wallet. I’m doing this to replenish my mind, body and soul and of course, my bank account.

I will be on a healthy diet and taking a gentle cleansing formula starting as of this morning. I will also be documenting myself as I slowly progress, writing daily posts on how refreshed (or shit) I feel, as this is one of those ‘no pain no gain’ commencements. This also gives me something to do as a project at night when everyone else is either at work or at a bar.

Last night was my “last night” to drink until February, so of course I went out to six bars and got wsted. I didn’t plan for it, I didn’t pour the bottle down my throat, I just agreed it was a grand idea. This is the exact opposite of what one should do before a Cleanse of course. Normally, if you follow the rules, one shall wean off booze, caffeine and many food groups over a two week period prior to a cleanse, also to have plenty of exercise and sleep, which, inevitably I do neither enough of. This weaning process was logical to stabilise any shock that your body may suffer, as going from one extreme to the other so vividly can be hard on yourself. So I’m going in full force anyhow because I’m one, headstrong and stubborn willed girl.

Today was initiation day, I popped that can of worms when I popped open that $35 herbal detox bottle and swallowed two large pill forms that are supposed to help transform my liver from a battered sponge to a shining liver…Ok that will take 365 days or more of polishing this bad boy up, I’m committing to 12 days which is a record so far, and I haven’t really started yet.

At dinner I had sashimi salad and oops , already screwed up and had butter by mistake, a huge NO! If only I could learn to say no, then I wouldn’t have planned this whole scenario-mockery, reflecting a young woman’s life in a big city who works in the food and beverage industry, who also happens not to be in a relationship and likes to socialize. I refer to it as the Single Swindle, as you tend to swindle many a glass over a night. My hangover would have felt better over a pint; “hair of the dog” always puts you back into the saddle with that false sense of comfort that leads you back into the vicious cycle all over again. But instead I had 4 pints of Toronto’s’ finest tap water, and I rather enjoyed my Virgin Mary thank you. On a classic hang-over I usually wonder where the badger is that shat in my mouth whilst I was in drunken slumber, then I wake up to assessing the surroundings: on my bed fully clothed but at least it’s my own bed; good. Suss out the old phone to see who I was drunk texting between the hours of 11pm and 4am; check, (I always forget so I erase my outbox before I pass out so I can’t feel embarrassed the next day.) Then somewhere I shower, or if it’s really bad I will wait 2 hours to lift my 300 pound head off the pillow or couch because it pounds too much to sit it upright; horizontal is the only way through it. And if I have to go to work I’ll just work it off and go on autopilot and kind of hate my life for a few hours. Then when I can stomach it, I’ll eat something my body craves like a scone or something non-conventional to eat. Typically around 9pm is when the previous nights booze starts to ooze out of my pores and I get that little hot/cold flush, but then a shot always takes that edge off and I feel good to go by midnight. This is my metropolitan story. I’ve been drunk since last year and I’m not talking about a beer here or there. I couldn’t wean during Christmas holidays, and there’s always a birthday or a gig to go to, or you work a 16 hour shift and bloody deserve some of that liquid sunshine, or several! I couldn’t refuse to go to my old haunts and watering holes when I returned home to Vancouver for one week only after 30 months away, I had many friends and family to run around and catch up with. By the way, love you all; sorry it was so short and sweet. Go figure, I flew hung-over and didn’t sleep the night before. For crying out loud it was New Years Eve, I got off work at 3.30am, there was an afterhours calling out to me, calling me foolish names and the like, you know. However Dec 31st was still rough from my 27th birthday the night before, so getting wasted Jan 1st pretty much wasted my first day back home. Luckily I have legitimate excuses for every time. I’d say I’ve been going pretty hard from Dec 15th till Jan 19th. Not that every night is a rowdy party or such, but I do like to party-cipate.

So far I am not allowed the following: alcohol (except vodka fine, however it’s not my favourite so I find that quite ironic,) no dairy, wheat, gluten or sugar. I can have one coffee a day but reckon having decaf soy lattes are harmless, phhh’sh. A coffee and cigarette in the morning was breakfast of champions for a while, now I actually have to make breakfast to coincide with my complicated vitamin schedule, some up to 4 pills a day, some on an empty stomach, and some with food. I’ve had about 21 capsules so far. Everything from milk thistle to fibre, flora, the works. I bought a lot of veggies and rice crackers and I’m hoping for good results on this detox, but I better lose some weight here! Actually what gave me the idea to do this in the first place had a little to do with vanity, I admit. The main reason mostly is because I needed to let my body have a bit of a break and as aforementioned, I had run out of money. The other day I was at The Cadillac Lounge having a pint between shifts and my girl friend turned to me and saw absolute fear in my eyes! Across from us were two older couples who were rather hefty as it is, laughing over their jugs with each other and, much to my shock, without any chins! That scared the day lights out of me. I didn’t even order another beer, I was worried I would blend neck and face as one if I continued to drink like I do. I’m over it now but it did make me realize that I could lose my chin one day to alcohol. That alone for some bizarre reason made me adamant I was going to start a new week sober, for real.

The cigarettes will have to be postponed for quitting this New Year’s resolution (and the last 10 years of them too.) I am cutting down gradually but if you take away my coffee and liquor, then you better leave me with one vice right now. I may turn emotional and psychotic by day 3!

It’s time for me to sign off for today’s entry, but will keep you posted later. Wish me luck!

In the meantime, CHEERS!
Day 2 Jan 21st, 2010 Maniac Insomniac

I have managed 2 whole days of healthy eating and no booze I gotta give it to myself, I’m pretty proud so far. Tempted yes, but La Resistance is in order! (Ok, shit, I acquiesced to a tiny shot of bourbon, but I was cold and mad at work!) I’ve been going to the bar and having tomato juice mainly, because some fruit juices are too darned sugary! I do drink tons of water, feel like I have a baby lake in my belly. Weirder yet, I’m not ever very hungry but I’ve been eating more, naturally it’s compensation for consumption, one can assume. But that’s healthier for you anyhow, the food I’m allowed to eat in smaller portions and more frequently. I easily go on 4-6 coffees a day without a meal, then eat at a ridiculous hour like 10pm when it’s worse off for your system. Fat doesn’t eat itself off! Especially when your habits are so inconsistent, your body is not a big fan of this and I have digestion concerns as it is.

So last night I watched a movie, appropriately “The Hangover”, then I wrote about this cleanse-thing-I’m-doing- then precariously didn’t cease to erase it instantly after it was finished, so then I re-wrote some of it, then by 5 am this morning when I was still up I thought it was time to sleep. That is a major part of this process, nutritionists’ say to go to bed by 11pm the latest, however that is not going to happen here. I’m more awake at 11pm then I ever could be by 11am on a good nights’ rest I’m afraid. If I sleep too long I become more lethargic. When I was younger my parents had a pain with putting me to bed, even then I didn’t want to miss out on anything. As a teenager I wouldn’t sleep for days, then I’d crash for 20 hours straight. My lifestyle has a lot to do with it and being in this service industry can kill you, or make you tougher. I’ve done more hard-core hours on no sleep and with more alcohol coming out of my system than you could imagine, and still work hard and sell high and do it again the next night and day. In fact I should be used to this pattern by now. I have a love/hate thing with sleeping in, for if I do it’s good, means I needed a rest, but when I do I feel guilty, like I wasted a day away.

After the first day, night one, having ingested a whack load of herbs and vitamins, there I was, twisting and turning and too tired to move yet writhing with defeat, and then the god damned THINKING got too much! A nightcap in this case may have helped out. Eventually got to sleep around 7am, it was light out. I was furious I couldn’t sleep, it’s all I wanted, but having a clear mind only should tend to make you think clearly, not irrationally. Why with faltering questions that my own mind asks and yet seeks no guidance or answers? Shut up brain it’s 7am. I can’t think yet! Utter torment. Hopefully tonight will be better. I doubt it. And it will be a few days of toxins and probably demons coming out before I start to feel better, lighter, have energy again and a proper nights sleep at a decent hour. If I can finally make it to a gym through this and fall into slumber easier, then it’s absolutely in a 100 ways worth it.

Next to conquer is the smoking, but we are not just there yet. Dreams first…
Till ‘morrow. Cheers and good night!

Day 3 Jan 22nd, 2010: Conviction?

Today I went to work overly exhausted from lack of sleep, but luckily guests kept me on my toes enough to help me forget I was tired. Although, usually I work doubles on Friday, it would have been a long day, but I was very willing. Sadly, not tonight. I was looking forward to doing my job just to do something; I love being busy and making money. A Friday night off in hospitality? Especially now I don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not there or headed to a meeting place. I can’t go out, besides I don’t have a huge affinity towards the weekend crowds anyhow, suits putting on the charm and getting drunker by the minute, while skirts flaunt and get louder and more squeaky as they drink the hours away. I may once in a while get loud but never do I become that high-pitched bitch. They make me shudder.

I find that after today and working last night surrounded by people swamped in their liquor has made me bitter already. It’s no fun, lets face it. My patience ran out last night and it’s thinning the more I am surrounded by intoxicated people, or just in general, because I’m miss lame-o-pants right now. I had two men talking at me, not to me, at me, and I cared not to speak with them, but of course they thought they were entertaining me and I’m a professional so I did my polite enough smile, nod, and oops! did I forget I had to count some ounce measurements whilst they perform this great theatre piece for me to endure? Well thank you so much gentlemen…but honestly they were harmless and only a little tipsy, demanding attention and I was only pissy because I was basically stuck there. I imagined doing a karate kick over the bar rail and that re-occurring image got me through their arrogance until they at last bought a beer off me and left me alone. I never knew I was such a bitch! Maybe deep down inside I am a cruel, harsh woman and need a little drink to soften the edges. Lighten up Tabytha, sheeesh!

A woman can certainly be false at being sweet, but a sweet heart can’t hide it if she’s being a bitch. There was someone else, a friendly face and regular guest whom I had wanted to talk to, but got literally cock blocked behind these guys as I stood behind my little bar. Later on I couldn’t be bothered to converse any more, not even to the person I had wanted to talk to all night when I finally had the opportunity. I had my pineapple juice after work for a quick one next door where people I know provide wonderful service, and last night I “bought” (by that I mean they were taken care of) three shots and sent them to fellow co-worker friends as I guzzled my sweet, yellow delight. I can’t just engulf water and tomato juice the whole time. I’ll turn into a red water balloon! I learned a trick today in order to trick myself in fact. I’m allowed a coffee a day, (a second if it’s a decaf, not to mention lactose and sugar free,) though ingeniously I have come up with a brilliant system. I have three, quarter mugs a day, that way I feel like I’m going for a break with a coffee and I finish the cup in a few warm sips and am satisfied in pretending that I have had three caffeine kicks when really it’s only been one mug all day! My god what am I turning into? A nun? It’s upsetting to hear me get excited over rationing my daily fuel.

So a Friday night in, I’m being extra dramatic now sitting in the dark with tea watching drama films no less. I had to convince myself that I was sick and that it’s ok to stay at home and do nothing because I am ever so ill… will feel better tomorrow for my double (thank goodness.) I even put pyjamas on right away as I got in the door, and when a roommate came in she asked how I was feeling. I’ll be honest I am not at my finest mood so she probably did think I was indeed sick. Then she asked if I was suffering from withdrawals. Wow! I know I drink every day but that’s a scotch or two over a book and candle light, or quiet beers with a friend one on one; I don’t get crazy every night to be able to get feverish withdrawals. The past month is a different story but the craziness where I couldn’t say no happened on average twice a week. Or more… whatever, I have some fantastic photos. Ooh, I should post some. Also I should weigh myself and see if it truly works. Obviously I didn’t get much sleep again last night, fingers crossed this round champ. I’m tired and loopy, maybe a teeny bit emotional. These 30 herbs and vitamins are considerably draining. This may sound disgusting but I thought I would be, you know, a-hem, sticking to the toilet with this cleanse, but so far not. If I found out this is some cruel joke…

Anyway, off to a wild party of steaming my face and having a late night snack at 10.30pm, plain cashews, mmm, mmm good! Will let you know what time I fell asleep tomorrow.
Day 4, Jan 23rd, 2010: Anticipation

So when is it exactly that I start to feel good? ‘Cause honestly so far, and I know I am only a mere, few days in, I feel {unaccountably} horrid and am literally losing sleep due to this little project of mine. In respect of obvious knowledge good things come in due time, it so happens that this will take time until I begin to sense any benefits out of it, such as energy, a fuller wallet and hopefully a cleaner liver and smaller thighs (but let’s face it, you never ever get to choose what goes, if I want an inch off my thighs I lose a bra size, it’s extremely annoying.) Eventually I will gain more strength and have sweet dreams, or so I hope, it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. The first week (or as I have been told,) even months, are the hardest. Not that I expect enlightenment as a dire result, I can always re-join yoga and meditate for that if I were consistent, but I find it somewhat re-assuring that some of the biggest drinkers I am acquainted with claim that they have gone clean in the past and made it through the everlasting struggle period…. that also doesn’t encourage me much since I’ve only known them as big drinkers in the latter- But if they did it for a 3 weeks or longer, than I am fucking golden!

You might have presumed by now that the lack of sleep factor hasn’t gotten much easier. In fact I find it quite detrimental and disturbing. Does that therefore mean I can only rest before 6am if I have had a bit of booze in my blood? Speaking of which, being female we can’t process alcohol at as an apparent pace as men can, regardless of weight or tolerance, trust me, I remember getting breathalysed after two hours back in Australia. Back to my point nonetheless, I was exhausted the other night. I was in bloody pjs, sipping herbal tea and having a crazy facial steam party for one on a Friday and embracing the clock at an early hour in which to collapse, yet before I knew it 7am came upon and it was too bright out and I had to work in less than 4 hours. I don’t understand it? Perhaps it’s the plentiful variation of vitamins that are keeping me stimulated, for I have cut caffeine down by at least 60%. You’d think I’d be sleeping like a dog, except I’m like a zombie, but one that has a brain that won’t keep calm. I wish I could relax, and trust me I’d like to more often than I give myself the chance. I tend to be a busy body. I like to be doing things all the time. If it’s slow at work I make mistakes, if it’s absolutely slammed I am on fire and make magic happen (only because it’s a miracle that I can perform on such levels of consequences from ….you get the gist) I work better as a person in general when I have things to do constantly, otherwise I guess I get fidgety. Even in a theatre watching a movie that I am highly entertained by I still find a way to crack my knuckles throughout it. Not considerably uncomfortable, I make myself comfortable in the oddest of circumstances it seems. Who knows, this is the kind of shit I’m starting to recognize as personality traits and –don’t want to say faults- as I journey on this cleanse. Surreal.

I can be a creature of comfort most definitely, I enjoy being domesticated and sometimes being lazy, that’s why I loved Thailand so much. Half the time all I did was lye in a hammock in the sun with a book and cheap whisky. However I always have that voice in the back of my head saying I should be doing something and then I feel guilty if I don’t do it. I have been saying I’d quit smoking and learn guitar for many years, mind you. It could mean I’m anxious and that’s why liquor gives me a sensation of peace. A false pretence perhaps, though I’m only human and not training to be a monk. Or else I try to apprehend an excuse for my utter procrastination.

On that note, I shan’t prolong future rest much further. I will anticipate the worst and hope for the better will…of everything. How dare I complain of my selfish mishaps when Haiti has problems?

Day 5 Jan 24th, 2010: Mission: FAILED

Ok, let’s not get too torn up over minor details, that’s too technical and I have enough technicalities my friend. I have been behaving rather, surprisingly good; taking a thousand remedies each day, not overdoing certain food groups, drinking plenty of water, saying no to the sweet nectar of the gods (or demons, I’ll side with both). Despite the fact that I am not completely dedicated or a 100% disciplined, hence, sleeping and still smoking stupid cigarettes, I was a little unconcerned with my short term progress thus far. I can’t be proud as there has not yet been any direct or positive outcomes. What do I care about judgment, I’ll let nature take its course.

Admittedly I did alas succumb. Of course there is always a reasonable excuse, but I made the conscious effort willingly and knew the consequences and cannot blame anyone, or choices made in the past. No point in dwelling over spilt milk. So am I upset for having a beer or two and three shots? Only I could know the answer. On the other hand, I managed to chose not continue. I don’t deserve a spanking for it, neither a medal. It was something I wanted and planned so why deny that? I had a grand time, didn’t get drunk, had a refreshing walk home and actually fell asleep without the torture of being possessed by the insomniac beast. It was indeed appreciated. I refuse to let defeat conquer me. I feel good right now.

Needless to say I don’t feel like it was a slip-up or that I am proving my weaknesses. I know I can forgo a few events and stay in with my limits, it’s not a test. This is not a Nazi cleanse, just trial and error practice. Otherwise I’d take this detox more seriously and do it properly, all or nothing. Go figure I’m more an in-betweener, a happy medium kind of gal after all. If not I’d truly go mad trying to decide which side of the fence I’m on.
Life is full of crap and full of pleasures, accepting both as they come, one or the other, or else that’s when failure falls truly upon you. If you cannot accept what is done, what has been or is to come, then what can you laugh about? What can one really enjoy or not learn from?

Tonight was Sunday-fun day. Quite lucky to have seen many people out, friends coming from separate places to join in for decent fun and music all in one small venue. In my “relapse” came realization. For me purely, I cannot stop things from happening, only try to be aware. I cannot do everything that I wish to, but never give up on them, I cannot get mad at something that I will forget about later anyhow, I cannot always just go with the flow, instead realise simply that maybe that’s the way it is, not even meant to be, but it let it be. It’s too complicated to explain, the tantalizing rain on my walk home either did me some good or maybe I did get drunk after four days sober!

Till the dawn of a new day, cheers…at least I won’t be hungover by then.

Day 6 Jan 25th, 2010: Patience is a virtue to be earned

After last night’s exertion, I woke up a little later than usual and a bit baffled, however less groggy than the past few mornings. It was nice to lie in bed without the panic of having to rush to work, and I wasn’t even resentful from having a fun night with a spot of booze. I was alright for the rest of the day actually, until the afternoon when I went to work, not really feeling up to it.

Taking my various abundance of cleanse pills earlier had me a little worried, as my roommate pointed out that taking so many and such a mixture of them can be detrimental for my kidneys. Great, there is no winning now is there. Must I take some kind of herb for my kidneys too? I’ll just continue to flush out my toxins with a plethora of water (anticipating retaining it soon and looking like a bloated whale,) but maybe that’ll alleviate the pressure my poor kidneys. Hopefully they can hold out another 8 days, you’d think alcohol would be worse for them anyhow.

Work was slow tonight, so I was bored and getting more impatient. I have to learn to hold back frustration, just to not let silly things bother me. Maybe it is working; maybe if I feel somewhat bitchy then it is doing its trick, very slowly. It’s only day 6 and I drank a morsel last night, but so far nothing much has noticeably changed except for my social life and moods, however that can also be due to lack of sleep and stressing over money. Same old story sadly. I think it’s time to re-write it. My rule if I do end up having a mere slip up again; one pint = 4 pints of water. One shot = a slap from a bystander. On second thought I may enjoy that too much, this coming from the girl who invented the game “slap/drink”, mind you I was in Australia at the time and hanging out with young boys! Sigh, back in those good old days….

Tomorrow is another story, another day.

Day 7 Jan 26th, 2010: Denial

I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want sleep. I don’t want fun. I don’t want sex. I don’t want more work. I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want a Laphroaig in a glass right now either!

Day 8 Jan 28th, 2010: The Hunger

My constant hankering for the booze lingers and I lust after food with an unhealthy keeness. I salivate over sex all the time now too. This girl is starving for physical intimacy. I relentlessly want to eat or keep having fantasies, today more than ever. My body is telling me many things and one of them is “consume now”! Whether it be food or a man I find attractive (two in particular actually). I cannot seem to stop myself. I don’t even need another bite, yet I’ll grab a 4th handful of nuts anyways (pun not intended!). I won’t really have an appetite; yet regardless I’ll still look in the cupboards for any little thing to nibble. I’m endlessly thirsty except that I’m bored of drinking water and tea too often at this point and feel like I’ll drown myself if I keep swallowing so much fluid. I yearn for something else fulfilling, and not just delicious concoctions I make, like just now for dinner. I never put this much effort into cooking solo – I made a lemon-chilli, beetroot, pear, onion and yam cous-cous, complimented with a miso and sesame baked arctic char (like trout)….soooo good (yet non-fattening or heart threatening. It would be better polished with a glass of pinot gris nevertheless.) I will thoroughly enjoy eating this dish, will be full as hell afterwards, probably get horny some time (a few times relatively,) eat some more later….then repeat. Maybe I am always like this, but just a little tipsy to notice? Perhaps I numb myself towards sexuality and instead of cooking I eat in liquid form, like getting my daily sugar from the fruits of wine? I need the fruit of the loin, or else I’ll just continue to perpetually gorge, though I’d prefer to devour something I can’t assimilate.

At this part being week two by now, my mind is significantly filled with thoughts and my body full of desires. The cravings are insatiable. Curious as to how long this will last before I explode.

Does this mean I’m contemplating dating? Eeesh, I don’t even like the sounds of that word. Plus I couldn’t go on a date without being accompanied with a drink (for your information that’s completely fair.) I just need to relax and contain myself until something happens. Perhaps I’ll get over it….or I gotta do something about it ‘cause this is getting out of my control!
I should exercise, ha! No, but really, desperately, now more than ever.

Day 9 Jan 29th, 2010: Everything seems pointless

Pardon me if I may sound a little negative, but honestly this whole idea is nonsense. What good is going to come out of this essentially? I just realize more and more what a hypocrite I am. Example, who still smokes on a Cleanse? Who says it’s ok to have a drink once in a while after a few days? I haven’t even joined a gym yet! And I broke down and ate half a cookie too…

Indeed these are my rules and I don’t consider myself a Queen of regulation, I simply hoped I could carry through a task that would initially benefit my own health thus far. Just because my slip ups are not in large quantities it does not negate the ordeal. At least I’m not drunk and spending more money than I make it’s all of a sudden. On a smaller level could I to desert my mission? I thought, (though I knew I’d cave in a slight bit on occasion) that I would be prancing around full of natural energy by now, that I would finally have a glow and a good feeling, you know, feel cleansed.
Turns out that it takes much more will power and determination than I actually have. If it were for another cause then it would be easier, but because it’s something that is merely selfish, it’s been that much more challenging. Sounds dumb, I’m aware of that. I’ve always been one to claim that if you give a 100% and don’t succeed, it’s worse than failure, for if you scarcely put in 80% percent and abandon all hope, it wasn’t your best effort. I do not know where I came up with that ridiculous concept, but so far it hasn’t worked for me, and that is also why I don’t believe in rules, even if they are your own! It’s easier to play by someone else’s rules therefore, because you wouldn’t want to let them down. You can always punish or push yourself another day, in another way.

‘Tis day 9 and I’ve given into temptations more than I was allowing myself from the start, yet I still have 4 more days and possibly nights to go. Without hesitation I admit I feel utterly redundant. On a moral aspect I’ve said “no” to more than I have agreed upon, although it doesn’t seem quite enough. Not insinuating that I should be working out to Tony Short videos –unless for the pure giggle- or that I shall whip myself for missing a vitamin here or having one beer there, when I usually have…well, a lot more, but nor shall I pride myself for rationing when I shouldn’t even have any in the first place. My ultimate target was never mentioned, only that I imagined I’d be inspired more, awakening my spiritual side and painting creative portraits, practicing yoga on my living room floor in the morning, not getting depressed over the stupid shit as I am currently embroiled in. I don’t play conformity all too well; I reckon I am truly good at enjoying freedom, though not of late. Part of this is more feeling like I am stuck in a place when I wish could grow and explore elsewhere. I absolutely suck! I am no different, for better or for worse, I am still considerably ruthless, definitely sleepless, absurdly contemplative and ever so hungry, and if I’m lucky, exceptionally lascivious, but that also has shown no results in the end.

I guess I’m saying I need stress relief, and I’m used to having a few drinks to forget my stress. Maybe I shan’t give up until I battle this demon from within; this is that darkness before the light…right? This aggravation is like a tenant that won’t pay or go away, keeps squatting there. I have to figure out how to evict it, or else I’ll be only half happy for my entire life? With the kind of stuff I’m talking, just let me have a darned drink; I’m talking crazy shit! Or just one kiss and I’ll shut up. I can’t be alcohol and sex deprived, I’m no Monk and I’m not normal without either of them it appears. Or I should go to bed now as I have work in a few hours and I’m probably over zealous and over tired. Pay no mind, switch off the mind, and don’t pollute yourself with all this nonsense.Grrr! Good night.

© Tabytha Towe Jan 31st 2010

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The Art of Scamming.

Posted on January 30, 2010 by Sara Troy

One wonders how these people became scammers, was it out of necessity or because it is all just too easy?? We would like to feel that is because they were desperate and got enticed into it, but really this kind of human nature just is and takes to scamming and theft like water to as duck.

Maybe they think it is there right to rob people of their hard earned money that they want people to suffer like they think they do, or it is a way to get their jollies of to know that they have left some one broke disgruntled and despising human nature. Do they care a dam? I think not, because they can day after day  scam people of their little money while using God and family as a connection base and care a dam. My friend Sandy says that I should call this article “Name & Shame” maybe she is right, it is a good name.

Well I am going to tell you of all the people who have tired to scam us, when one gets past the shock and disappointment, it becomes a study of how far will they go and what will they use just to get a few bucks. I will list names and addresses and their scam. If for any reason any of these people were legit (which I promise you I doubt) I will retract their name and info. But if it makes any of you out there question before leaping then our frustration of finding an honest lender/investor will not be in vain.

We are if you did not know by now, Electric motor developers, and need to raise some money to get our next prototype into a speedboat to prove validity and performance. This cost money and many industries (like water pumps & yachting industries) are eager for us to get this next phase finished. They do not invest or J.V (joint venture) at this level but are eager on the results to be found so they can justify the expense of a joint venture development.

So we set out to find that investor or lender to get to this second phase. I always thought that an investment person was a visionary and a gutsy person, who when they saw some thing took the chance because they know the reward was greater than the risk. Boy was I wrong, it appears that they are (the ones I have met) people of high ego, low risk, short vision crippled by fear and ball less. They take on a persona of you need me so I can dictate what I want I don’t care about your product just what’s in it for me and how can I get it cheap and sell it high.

Respect is non-excitant, value for what’s in front of them, clueless and small-minded incredibly so. One statement has stuck in my mind “ do you realize that you have a multie billion dollar industry here” to which I said yes that I did, his next comment was “ ok so pay me some money and I will review lending you some money “ Can any one explain that? It was said that he saw just how big this is how much return for the loan, but in stead of looking at the big picture and “this has to be done lets do it now” it was I need money from you to decide if we are going to lend you some money. My mind still boggles and this logic does not make sense to me.

So with countless people being paraded before us with out vision and playing big boy games we got now where at all. One would say they loved the Business Plan another it has an era in it and they could not get past it, but all seemed to ignore what they had in hand mostly because the people who would get it, did not get to see it because of the in-between people and their short sightedness and fear of the big boy at the top not liking them for bringing it to them. If I have some one working for me that let some thing this big go by because they thought I might get mad at them or might not like it and judge them for it, I would not higher them in the first place. Look first decide later none of this timid stuff.

One man Jack with his puppet Robert sat in front of us and threatened us that if we went public with out him he would come after us, talk about ego there, all just voice no substance. Another made handshake promising us twice he was investing and each time he lied, as he did not have the money after all. Go Rocky go….
Of cause there was Todd, a restaurateur who had backed a friend in his Fuel Vapor car development. We really got excited about this one; they had the car that they were entering into the Progressive Prize Car Show 2009 for the best fuel-efficient car ready to go into production. He needed us and we needed a vehicle to drop our motor in, a win win situation, so we thought. They Todd and friend went to see a man in California who decided to back them completely, but they did not tell this guy about us. We thought that we were going into a joint venture with them and they were all excited about it also. Todd how ever had other ideas, he had us meet with an electric engineer and made the mistake of referring him as a God, wow what an ego trip, this mans chest puffed right up and with out much ado dismissed our motor just like that. George was baffled, but he was only the inventor not the moneyman and could not stand up to Todd, we just got up and left, what else was there to do!!!! Some time not so long later the electrical engineer who could not deliver what they needed was out of the picture and they were back where they started. We do not know if they lost there funding or are still in the prize competition, but they do not have our motor.

Then there was Peter, we really like Peter but could he screw things up. He is a very nice man who gets confused easily and can talk him self out of things easily. He was going to invest in our company once he had sold his. He had a water filtration company of which we could build excellent electric water pumps for. For his investment we offered him the licensing agreement for water pumps, he got really excited and we thought we had a deal. We were at the time still in talks with a car company and dear Peter decided he wanted that also. I still have his letter, stating that perhaps he was being greedy but may be not but he wanted both and thats it. Consequently no deal. We don’t see Peter any more, we’re sad we really liked him.

The frustration is that every one could only think of cars, we don’t want the automobile industry, that is one license we will be glad to sign off on. Our motor is much more profitable in water pumps, oil pump jacks, heavy vehicle industries, light industries like mills and of cause motors for general electric. We will start with boats and put the motor in a speedboat to test just how fast and powerful it really can go.

So we joined “Find that money” where investors look for opportunities, to date over a year later not one good lead. All much of the same going nowhere. I even sent out to over a 100 companies on the list our Executive Summery and many replies of “how did you get our companies name we are not on a list” so another dead end, more money and time wasted.

Somewhere cannot remember from where another group form the States got hold of us and liked what we have. They were going to come to see us for a presentation in order to present to their investors. Now John Joseph normally dealt with land deals and this area was new to him. He didn’t bother to show up, calling us 2 days later with an excuse, and went ahead presenting the technology not knowing any thing about it, so no deal there, but it had gone back and forth for 3 months with “I have the deal closing soon” bull. He twittered me the other day, still riding high, but still no follow through, guess he is rich enough and does not need the business.

So enter the scammers, how did that start! I think it started with a financial add on Craig’s list looking for small investors, mistake number 0ne. Well a slew of moneylenders form all over the world emailing me like mad. So as to leave no stone unturned we started replying. Then like magic they all wanted to lend money. Fist I must fill out a form, like ones I’d address, sex, how much and what it was for. Then we would get a yes and the terms of repayment. All sound good yes! Well we thought it was tooo good but we kept following just incase it was the miracle we where looking for. Now the catch, we would have to send via Western Union a sum of any thing from $250-1250 US to an unknown address in order for us to get our money put into our bank.

Well western union does not trace money and there is no recourse if you get screwed. So we would refuse to send money telling them we could do this through a lawyer all-upfront and above board and we would need their I.D
Now it gets interesting, the ID’S that were sent to us are all fake, some drivers licenses’, some business ID even a better business bureau license, but every one of them would have a major flaw in them as simple as spelling mistakes. Like better business bureau would misspell on its official documentation.

The other thing is every one of them uses lowercase i in every thing, even if the possess to be lawyers. Also they all use yahoo or gmail addresses, not one uses a company email address. Another thing is the reference to God and how Godly they are. When you say that it is a no go due to lack of info on their behalf, now you would get the poor me what have I done to deserve this, I am an honest man, send me the money and I will send you your loan right away.

Oh yes one very important thing, it is England and Nigeria that are the biggest scammers and all seam to have a common language. So what looked like for a brief moment as a way out of stagnation, became an intrigue into human low mentality who knowing that you need funds for business, living, life, would with the most sincerity screw you our of any money you have. $250 – 1250 may not sound much, but when you do not have it to spare and you are in need of money it is a lot. Also think of how may people a day do send money, they are scamming good and there is no stopping them.

So I am going to give you their names and emails, so you can see if they have promised you a loan just like that and now you can avoid them.

There is
Larry the lender
Subject: I WANT YOU TO TRUST.
Date: Tuesday, May 5, 2009 1:21 AM
From: Larry Lender
To: Sara xxxxxxx
Conversation: I WANT YOU TO TRUST.

Hello Sara,

I do understand your plight and in order for you to know this is
legit, here is a copy of my identity card a for your view and the loan
agreement document for you to sign and return alongside the $1,255 USD
for the non-collateral deposit, i know you have a problem paying via
western union but i am assuring you that this is legit and that is the
more reason you are to make the payment to me directly so i can take
care of things here myself.

In the attached document is my identity card and the loan agreement
document which i want you to sign and return back to me, it also serve
as an assurance that your loan fund is in order, i want you to note
that i do not give out my id to clients who have not yet started
business with me, but i am just doing this due to the fact that i
trust you and i want you to trust me too.

I await your swift response,

THE I’D WAS FAKE.

LARRY.
Subject: REPAYMENT SCHEDULE.
Date: Saturday, May 2, 2009 1:21 AM
From: Larry Lender
To: XXXXXXX
Conversation: REPAYMENT SCHEDULE.

Hello Sara

Below is a well-calculated terms of repayment schedule that I want you
to thoroughly read and respond back to me if it is okay with you.
********************************************
REPAYMENT SCHEDULE:
********************************************
The repayment will be on a monthly basis, from Principal loan amount
and interest together. As it is written, The loan duration / time is
for 3 years (36 months). To find the Interest rate and repayment plan
at:

* Principal loan amount: $ 150,000
* Interest rate: 2%
* Loan Duration / Term: 3 years (36 months)
* Monthly installment: $ 4,250
* Number of installment: 36
* Interest paid: $ 3,000
* Cumulative payment =
Principle Loan Amount + Interest paid = Cumulative
$ 150,000 + $ 3,000 = $ 153,000

Furthermore, be informed that in accordance with the rules for
these Organization, you are prompted to make a monthly payment of $
4,250, so that a total amount of $ 153,000. This is the entire loan
amount and Interest.

NOTE: All applicants MUST make a down payment known as the
NON-COLLATERAL FEE since you do not have one due to the Lending policy
174/Ur in the amended constitution of the ACT 2004 in the lending
policy which is Thus {$ 1,255 USD } of the Principle loan amount
before your loan funds can be approved and transfered to you via your
choice of receival of funds.

In agreement to this, you are to get back to me with a scanned copy
of any identity of yours so that we can be aware of who we are dealing
with, after this has been done and clerified by us including the
payment of the non-collateral fee, the processing and approval of your
loan funds will start immediately including the signing of documents.

I await your swift response,

LARRY

PAY BY WESTERN UNION.

Or there is this guy, notice how the amount is different but the deposit is the same.
Samson
Subject: LOAN REPAYMENT TERMS FOR YOUR LOAN AMOUNT OF $100,000
Date: Monday, April 6, 2009 3:44 AM
From: samson richmond
To: xxxxxxxxxx
Conversation: LOAN REPAYMENT TERMS FOR YOUR LOAN AMOUNT OF $100,000

Registered No.05026265
Address:16 AUDLEY AVENUE ENTERPRISE PARK,
AUDLEY AVENUE, NEWPORT,
SHROPSHIRE, TF10 7DW.
Tel. +44 703 191 7754.
Fax.+447005800101.
Motto:We render best services….

I am in receipt of your email. I will be able to offer you the loan of
$100,000.00 below is the re-calculated loan repayment terms for you to
see and tell me if you are in agreement with the loan terms or not.

*Loan Amount: $100,000.00
*Loan Rate : 5%
*Duration: 36 Months
*Monthly installment: $2,997.09
*Cumulative Payments: $107,895.23
*Total Interest Paid: $7,895.23

I want you to get back to me if the loan terms are accepted by you so
we can proceed.

I look forward to your mail regarding the transaction soon,
Mr.Samson Richmond.

Then there was a
Sheikh Al Maktoum, a prince of DUBAI represented by a Lewis Cohen, his lawyer.

This was a 100 million dollar offer for 45 % of the company, he apparently did not want Dad to know, but in the end it turns out that the person who was stealing this name got caught (like to think I had some thing to do with that as I contacted the group to let them know of the imposter) he was just another elaborate scammer.

YER RIGHT NO SIGNICTURE AND NO I’D, IF THEY DO NOT SEND PASS PORT I’D DON’T DEAL WITH THEM; EVERY THING ELSE CAN BE FAKED.

There are more, but all doing the same, promise a great deal, then ask for a non-collateral fee, or fee for sending funds to you. If they don’t do lawyers, or bank transfer (fees can come of at bank) and they do not provide a legitimate photo (passport) I’D and use lower case i and want to use western union, and don’t have company email addresses, then do not do it.

Who in this economy will lend over a $100,000 for so little and just send it to you with out a security or signing your life away if you do not pay back.
These guys play on your desperation and the inability to get help from anywhere else. They have you cornered, don’t do it, you will only loose whatever little funds you have left.

We were talking with a young man and his father from England who wanted to invest his inheritance. I so much wanted to believe he was legit because who would use there kids to scam others. I wanted to believe in him, but in the end they would not go through a lawyer or provide passport information and yes asked for $1250 to send money via western union. So disappointed to ruin a child’s life like this to make them a common thief, so sad, so wrong. He stills face books me, turns out his father is dead and this is all a scam, isnt it all!!!!

So now we are still looking for that bright intuitive individual(s) who understands that to make a load of money you first have to help the money tree grow. We are that tree and for all intensive purposes we are cheap in our development when you put us against some other industries who have just gouged their governments and produced very little. We will have our technology up and running within a year and in industries making a viable difference to their productivity and bottom line.

If you think you are a bright, intuitive gutsy investor who is not afraid to take chances and get rich and have the opportunity to fund an organization that will fund other projects in the tomorrows, then get on board, we welcome you and look forward to making this journey together. But be willing to first show us your I’D and integrity for we have know the scoundrels all to many of them.

Scammers be aware that what you are doing will come back on you and yours 10 fold and happiness is in the soul, peace for that soul not is in the wallet with some one elses money.

Prosperity to all the earnest and honest folk.

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Imagination – Stepping Into God

Posted on January 18, 2010 by Sara Troy

How long I’ve waited…
for inspiration, guidance, and creativity to flow…
feeling disconnected, cut off from source –
reinforcing the experience, keeping myself stuck in the loop,
through choosing the thought of separateness…

Days, weeks, months, years –
I’ve remained in various cycles –
of frustration, boredom, guilt, depression –
as though “some day” things would change –
as though “some day” “something” would happen,
putting an end to the experiences I found displeasing,
opening a door to a life where everything was rosy
and things would go the way I wanted –
even though I was nowhere near clear on what exactly that was…

Intellectually, I knew…
I had to be the one to “take responsibility” –
that nothing would change to my satisfaction on the outside,
until I took control of the fundamental change on the inside…
Yet, I still waited…

For what, I wasn’t sure;
a bolt of lightning to hit me?
the gods to descend from the sky?
an angelic presence to enter my life, complete with halo & wings?

I knew, through studying the teachers of success,
I had to be the one to take action;
though in what direction?
How could I move forward,
when I didn’t know exactly where I was heading?
How could I productively channel my creativity,
feeling disconnected & uninspired?

…

The synchronicities attributed to being “on track” were few & far
between.
Yet, some guidance came too evident to be ignored –
some path standing out so clear-cut,
I couldn’t help but be drawn to walk them…

It was such direction at a time of bewilderment,
leading me to Neil Donald Walsh’s “Conversations With God.”
Upon a complete immersion of the first book, listening in audio,
the words rung powerfully true –
so greatly, they could not be ignored.

In these moments of spiritual healing,
the Truths’ power carried through my entire being,
having an effect I could, and can, not describe.
Though, despite the glimpses of enlightenment provided through the
wisdom,
I quickly found myself back in the same old place –
feeling anxious, disconnected, uninspired;
awaiting some amazing miracle to transform my life,
with no effort on part of my own…

…

Craving the type of guidance Walsh had channelled,
and being told time & time again I needed to tune into my own “guides,”
I played with the idea,
“Could I, too, have a conversation with God?”
“Would answers present themselves in an unknown voice,
if I simply asked?”

Such an idea seemed almost silly –
so far out of our culture’s belief system & possibilities.
Yet, with my mind still partially closed, I tried.
Waiting for answers.
None came.
And of course.
After all, what had I expected,
a deep, roaring, resonant voice sending shock waves through my body?
Nonsense.

And so I carried on.
Back to the norm –
“Blocked.” “Uninspired.” “Disconnected.”
Such thoughts producing the experience.
Focus on those feelings keeping them alive.
And so went the cycle,
round & round.

…

Throughout this journey,
back & forth within the confines of this reality I had created for
myself,
the need for rest, stillness, and BEING called strongly.
For the most part, I went along –
busying myself with activity,
buying into the belief in action as the key –
only to hear that silent voice shout more loudly.

Eventually, I gave in –
allowing myself the rest & healing my spirit ached for.
The reward –
a sensation of euphoric, blissful pleasure & release, gratitude, and
peace –
countering all the negativity I’d been carrying with me for decades,
bringing a satisfaction far beyond anything material could provide.

Yet, to keep in line with my beliefs,
and to return to the comfort of the uncomfortable norm,
I allowed myself to slip back into the closed loops –
feeling guilty for not “doing” enough or being “productive,”
fearful of the consequences of “slacking off” or being “lazy;”
and so the cycle repeated –
“Uninspired.” “Blocked.” “Disconnected.”
Deaf to the guidance of spirit –
“A victim of my own closed beliefs;”
etc, etc, etc…

However,
sometimes it only takes a single thought to break a pattern,
sometimes we only need entertain an idea,
to see through into a new realm of possibility…

…[Shift]…

What if instead of waiting for inspiration,
I were to acknowledge it can only come from within –
and that coming from within,
it must be there the whole time?

What if instead of starting a conversation with God and waiting for an
answer,
I were to imagine how it would go, filling in both parts?

What if instead of thinking God’s voice must come from outside of
myself,
I embrace myself as part of the whole, and the whole as part of myself –
erasing the mental division between God & myself,
allowing myself to experience the God in myself?

Considering my experience in the light of these new perspectives,
an opening appears.

Allowing myself to think not in logic, but curiosity,
imagination reengages,
and God reappears.

…

I’ve been stuck in loops,
created by the mind;
not the imaginative mind –
which is above & beyond all limitation –
but the rational, restricted, analytical mind which constructs all
limitation.

In asking the better questions,
a gap emerges in the rational mind –
allowing space for imagination to emerge;
and in that space,
God is present.

If this is all One –
we are God, and God is us…

Guidance must come from within,
as there is no “out there;”
separation is all an illusion…

We can never be “disconnected,”
for we are that we’d have ourselves to be disconnected from…

We can never be “uninspired,”
for we are always “in-spir-it” –
there is nothing else…

We can never be “blocked.”
for that we’d see ourselves as blocked from , and the block itself,
are nothing more than different parts of ourselves…

If God had an appearance, what would it look like?
Everything we can & can’t see…

If God had a voice, what would it sound like?
Anything we imagined it to be…

If God were to speak to us, how would we know?
We wouldn’t – unless we opened to
accept every voice not originating from our rational mind as his
manifestation,
every sight before us a reflection of his infinite forms…

Let us imagine what guidance shall look like,
and that’ll be it –

put it as anything separate from ourselves,
and we’ll miss it every time;

paint it as part of our experience each step of the way,
and there it is for our heeding…

Let us imagine what God’s voice shall sound like,
and listen to that voice as we call upon it.

Add the belief it is outside ourselves,
and we’ve created a voice we shall never hear.

Open to the possibility it is within us anytime we wish to talk,
and give it breath through through allowance…

If God it The Creator of All,
having birthed us, supported us, and is forever within us,
breathing life into everything around us,
then what is God but imagination itself?

If we were to limit ourselves to a set definition of what God is,
how would we ever know its presence?
If we had set expectations for its form,
how could we ever recognize its nature in everything,
not realizing this One-Is-All is Us, God, and everything we’re not?

If we were to imagine a conversation with God,
would that imagination not be his momentary expression?

If all around us has been created by God,
has it no been channelled through the imagination of men & women,
no different than ourselves?

Have we thought so little of ourselves,
refusing our worth to receive God’s guidance,
because it is actually the voice of our own imagination?

Or have we dared not to speak it,
fearful of the backlash from a society unaware & resistant to the
Truth that
God’s power lies solely within ourselves & our infinite creative force?

…

It would seem we humans have some type of existential amnesia –
continually forgetting who we truly are –
repeatedly falling asleep to the reality of our own Godliness,
allowing ourselves to be spiritually blinded,
cultural beliefs obstructing our own light…

It would appear we’ve become insane,
ignoring the wisdom of the ages,
which has provided us all the counsel we would need;

distracted by the ego’s desires for status in the material world,
which have kept us chasing alluring illusions;

turning on one another out of fear;
waging war on ourselves without reason, out of confusion…

It would sound unimaginable, sad, amusing, and ridiculous
to hear how much suffering we’ve put ourselves through –
clinging to problems that have no existence but in thought;
struggling to win battles that have never been;
striving to be that which we are not…

In those moments of clarity,
it all makes sense.

At the point of integrity and holistic completion,
there are no questions, challenges, concerns.

Upon realization this is all but a dream, a holographic matrix –
we are free of the distance & time restraints of a contracted
consciousness.

Stepping off the fields of the games we play day-to-day,
into the Unified Whole of all reality,
we infuse with the Truth…

There is nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be,
but here, be, ourselves –
for we are it All,
and it is All us…

From this space of Knowing,
and of Being an extension of the Universal Life Force;
as well as that force itself,
extending outward to bring form to all that is –
we can begin to play games of our choice.

From a place of trust in our inherent Godly power,
and of having placed our imaginative power in trust of God,
we can redefine all “problems,”
to allow for the possibility of original solutions, blossoming
potentials, and infinite possibility…

…

Throughout our growth process,
we’re bound to get off track –
though in the light of the greater unity,
off-track & on-track are but one in the same…

As we move forward in our journey,
it’s inevitable we temporarily lose sight of the big picture –
yet in the context of everything as one,
everything we can see is but a projection coming from the inside –

therefore, we are not only a part of that bigger picture,
but it is an extension of ourselves…

Colored, shaped, and defined through our imagination –
that all-encompassing power that is God,
taking form in all we see, touch, hear, taste, feel, sense, and dream…

…

No doubt,
my amnesia will surely kick in again soon –
blessing me with the gift of rediscovering my true nature yet again…

Perhaps it’s just part of being human,
forgetting we are God;
in order to engage in this world we’re continually creating –
the integral duality of the universe playing itself out…

from God to man,
creator to actor,
thought to form,
knowingness to forgetfulness,
connection to separation,
awareness to ignorance,
love to fear,
and back again, in the cycle of life…

A new day begins –
which direction it shall go is of our choice…

To continue in closed loops of negative emotion,
awaiting inspiration and things & people outside ourselves to cause
our fulfillment…

Or…

To allow God’s greatness to speak & manifest through us,
harnessing the power of imagination
to break out of limiting definitions,
carrying us to new dimensions…

Choosing words to expand vision,
bringing understanding to that with-out,
through insight into the forces projecting all from within…

…
written by Rok Sivante
http://RokSivante.com

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