Day 1 Jan 20th, 2010: Initiation and instant regret
“So how come you’re not drinking?” My friend asks. But before I could even answer, he replied … “you’re broke, aren’t you?”
The last hangover just passed and I’m relieved it’s over, except that falling asleep is the next challenge.
If ever there was a sign then goddamned it I just got it. I spent the last few hours writing a piece that I was going to send off to publish just mere seconds ago, though due to feeling like arse and being overly tired, I erased it by accident. This detox isn’t going very well so far, and it’s only just begun. Now I want a fucking drink already! I will make this one short therefore; I really should go to bed (that’s what the Cleanse tells me to do, but she doesn’t know me yet.) The lack of Jack is going to do my head in, I can tell.
I have decided to do something rather drastic as I will have eyes on me awaiting a slip up, seemingly because people care, or perhaps it humours them to see me squirm, or they just plain have no faith I will manage. I need some of that faith, especially after losing my work on the click of a button. The only way to re-write this after being discouraged is to take it as symbol that cheating on my diet will have significant repercussions. That way it will further enorce my good behaviour on this strict task at hand for me, to me, by me. That’s a lot to put on me.
Over the next 12 days, I, Tabytha Towe, will be sober for the first time since…..god, years! Not to this extent anyhow. Respectfully I understand that 12 days is not that long, but I’m the kind of person who likes to have a glass of wine with dinner and a nightcap before bed, it never hurt. Only now I’ve been doing too much drinking and not enough working, so I have swollen kidneys and an empty wallet. I’m doing this to replenish my mind, body and soul and of course, my bank account.
I will be on a healthy diet and taking a gentle cleansing formula starting as of this morning. I will also be documenting myself as I slowly progress, writing daily posts on how refreshed (or shit) I feel, as this is one of those ‘no pain no gain’ commencements. This also gives me something to do as a project at night when everyone else is either at work or at a bar.
Last night was my “last night” to drink until February, so of course I went out to six bars and got wsted. I didn’t plan for it, I didn’t pour the bottle down my throat, I just agreed it was a grand idea. This is the exact opposite of what one should do before a Cleanse of course. Normally, if you follow the rules, one shall wean off booze, caffeine and many food groups over a two week period prior to a cleanse, also to have plenty of exercise and sleep, which, inevitably I do neither enough of. This weaning process was logical to stabilise any shock that your body may suffer, as going from one extreme to the other so vividly can be hard on yourself. So I’m going in full force anyhow because I’m one, headstrong and stubborn willed girl.
Today was initiation day, I popped that can of worms when I popped open that $35 herbal detox bottle and swallowed two large pill forms that are supposed to help transform my liver from a battered sponge to a shining liver…Ok that will take 365 days or more of polishing this bad boy up, I’m committing to 12 days which is a record so far, and I haven’t really started yet.
At dinner I had sashimi salad and oops , already screwed up and had butter by mistake, a huge NO! If only I could learn to say no, then I wouldn’t have planned this whole scenario-mockery, reflecting a young woman’s life in a big city who works in the food and beverage industry, who also happens not to be in a relationship and likes to socialize. I refer to it as the Single Swindle, as you tend to swindle many a glass over a night. My hangover would have felt better over a pint; “hair of the dog” always puts you back into the saddle with that false sense of comfort that leads you back into the vicious cycle all over again. But instead I had 4 pints of Toronto’s’ finest tap water, and I rather enjoyed my Virgin Mary thank you. On a classic hang-over I usually wonder where the badger is that shat in my mouth whilst I was in drunken slumber, then I wake up to assessing the surroundings: on my bed fully clothed but at least it’s my own bed; good. Suss out the old phone to see who I was drunk texting between the hours of 11pm and 4am; check, (I always forget so I erase my outbox before I pass out so I can’t feel embarrassed the next day.) Then somewhere I shower, or if it’s really bad I will wait 2 hours to lift my 300 pound head off the pillow or couch because it pounds too much to sit it upright; horizontal is the only way through it. And if I have to go to work I’ll just work it off and go on autopilot and kind of hate my life for a few hours. Then when I can stomach it, I’ll eat something my body craves like a scone or something non-conventional to eat. Typically around 9pm is when the previous nights booze starts to ooze out of my pores and I get that little hot/cold flush, but then a shot always takes that edge off and I feel good to go by midnight. This is my metropolitan story. I’ve been drunk since last year and I’m not talking about a beer here or there. I couldn’t wean during Christmas holidays, and there’s always a birthday or a gig to go to, or you work a 16 hour shift and bloody deserve some of that liquid sunshine, or several! I couldn’t refuse to go to my old haunts and watering holes when I returned home to Vancouver for one week only after 30 months away, I had many friends and family to run around and catch up with. By the way, love you all; sorry it was so short and sweet. Go figure, I flew hung-over and didn’t sleep the night before. For crying out loud it was New Years Eve, I got off work at 3.30am, there was an afterhours calling out to me, calling me foolish names and the like, you know. However Dec 31st was still rough from my 27th birthday the night before, so getting wasted Jan 1st pretty much wasted my first day back home. Luckily I have legitimate excuses for every time. I’d say I’ve been going pretty hard from Dec 15th till Jan 19th. Not that every night is a rowdy party or such, but I do like to party-cipate.
So far I am not allowed the following: alcohol (except vodka fine, however it’s not my favourite so I find that quite ironic,) no dairy, wheat, gluten or sugar. I can have one coffee a day but reckon having decaf soy lattes are harmless, phhh’sh. A coffee and cigarette in the morning was breakfast of champions for a while, now I actually have to make breakfast to coincide with my complicated vitamin schedule, some up to 4 pills a day, some on an empty stomach, and some with food. I’ve had about 21 capsules so far. Everything from milk thistle to fibre, flora, the works. I bought a lot of veggies and rice crackers and I’m hoping for good results on this detox, but I better lose some weight here! Actually what gave me the idea to do this in the first place had a little to do with vanity, I admit. The main reason mostly is because I needed to let my body have a bit of a break and as aforementioned, I had run out of money. The other day I was at The Cadillac Lounge having a pint between shifts and my girl friend turned to me and saw absolute fear in my eyes! Across from us were two older couples who were rather hefty as it is, laughing over their jugs with each other and, much to my shock, without any chins! That scared the day lights out of me. I didn’t even order another beer, I was worried I would blend neck and face as one if I continued to drink like I do. I’m over it now but it did make me realize that I could lose my chin one day to alcohol. That alone for some bizarre reason made me adamant I was going to start a new week sober, for real.
The cigarettes will have to be postponed for quitting this New Year’s resolution (and the last 10 years of them too.) I am cutting down gradually but if you take away my coffee and liquor, then you better leave me with one vice right now. I may turn emotional and psychotic by day 3!
It’s time for me to sign off for today’s entry, but will keep you posted later. Wish me luck!
In the meantime, CHEERS!
Day 2 Jan 21st, 2010 Maniac Insomniac
I have managed 2 whole days of healthy eating and no booze I gotta give it to myself, I’m pretty proud so far. Tempted yes, but La Resistance is in order! (Ok, shit, I acquiesced to a tiny shot of bourbon, but I was cold and mad at work!) I’ve been going to the bar and having tomato juice mainly, because some fruit juices are too darned sugary! I do drink tons of water, feel like I have a baby lake in my belly. Weirder yet, I’m not ever very hungry but I’ve been eating more, naturally it’s compensation for consumption, one can assume. But that’s healthier for you anyhow, the food I’m allowed to eat in smaller portions and more frequently. I easily go on 4-6 coffees a day without a meal, then eat at a ridiculous hour like 10pm when it’s worse off for your system. Fat doesn’t eat itself off! Especially when your habits are so inconsistent, your body is not a big fan of this and I have digestion concerns as it is.
So last night I watched a movie, appropriately “The Hangover”, then I wrote about this cleanse-thing-I’m-doing- then precariously didn’t cease to erase it instantly after it was finished, so then I re-wrote some of it, then by 5 am this morning when I was still up I thought it was time to sleep. That is a major part of this process, nutritionists’ say to go to bed by 11pm the latest, however that is not going to happen here. I’m more awake at 11pm then I ever could be by 11am on a good nights’ rest I’m afraid. If I sleep too long I become more lethargic. When I was younger my parents had a pain with putting me to bed, even then I didn’t want to miss out on anything. As a teenager I wouldn’t sleep for days, then I’d crash for 20 hours straight. My lifestyle has a lot to do with it and being in this service industry can kill you, or make you tougher. I’ve done more hard-core hours on no sleep and with more alcohol coming out of my system than you could imagine, and still work hard and sell high and do it again the next night and day. In fact I should be used to this pattern by now. I have a love/hate thing with sleeping in, for if I do it’s good, means I needed a rest, but when I do I feel guilty, like I wasted a day away.
After the first day, night one, having ingested a whack load of herbs and vitamins, there I was, twisting and turning and too tired to move yet writhing with defeat, and then the god damned THINKING got too much! A nightcap in this case may have helped out. Eventually got to sleep around 7am, it was light out. I was furious I couldn’t sleep, it’s all I wanted, but having a clear mind only should tend to make you think clearly, not irrationally. Why with faltering questions that my own mind asks and yet seeks no guidance or answers? Shut up brain it’s 7am. I can’t think yet! Utter torment. Hopefully tonight will be better. I doubt it. And it will be a few days of toxins and probably demons coming out before I start to feel better, lighter, have energy again and a proper nights sleep at a decent hour. If I can finally make it to a gym through this and fall into slumber easier, then it’s absolutely in a 100 ways worth it.
Next to conquer is the smoking, but we are not just there yet. Dreams first…
Till ‘morrow. Cheers and good night!
Day 3 Jan 22nd, 2010: Conviction?
Today I went to work overly exhausted from lack of sleep, but luckily guests kept me on my toes enough to help me forget I was tired. Although, usually I work doubles on Friday, it would have been a long day, but I was very willing. Sadly, not tonight. I was looking forward to doing my job just to do something; I love being busy and making money. A Friday night off in hospitality? Especially now I don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not there or headed to a meeting place. I can’t go out, besides I don’t have a huge affinity towards the weekend crowds anyhow, suits putting on the charm and getting drunker by the minute, while skirts flaunt and get louder and more squeaky as they drink the hours away. I may once in a while get loud but never do I become that high-pitched bitch. They make me shudder.
I find that after today and working last night surrounded by people swamped in their liquor has made me bitter already. It’s no fun, lets face it. My patience ran out last night and it’s thinning the more I am surrounded by intoxicated people, or just in general, because I’m miss lame-o-pants right now. I had two men talking at me, not to me, at me, and I cared not to speak with them, but of course they thought they were entertaining me and I’m a professional so I did my polite enough smile, nod, and oops! did I forget I had to count some ounce measurements whilst they perform this great theatre piece for me to endure? Well thank you so much gentlemen…but honestly they were harmless and only a little tipsy, demanding attention and I was only pissy because I was basically stuck there. I imagined doing a karate kick over the bar rail and that re-occurring image got me through their arrogance until they at last bought a beer off me and left me alone. I never knew I was such a bitch! Maybe deep down inside I am a cruel, harsh woman and need a little drink to soften the edges. Lighten up Tabytha, sheeesh!
A woman can certainly be false at being sweet, but a sweet heart can’t hide it if she’s being a bitch. There was someone else, a friendly face and regular guest whom I had wanted to talk to, but got literally cock blocked behind these guys as I stood behind my little bar. Later on I couldn’t be bothered to converse any more, not even to the person I had wanted to talk to all night when I finally had the opportunity. I had my pineapple juice after work for a quick one next door where people I know provide wonderful service, and last night I “bought” (by that I mean they were taken care of) three shots and sent them to fellow co-worker friends as I guzzled my sweet, yellow delight. I can’t just engulf water and tomato juice the whole time. I’ll turn into a red water balloon! I learned a trick today in order to trick myself in fact. I’m allowed a coffee a day, (a second if it’s a decaf, not to mention lactose and sugar free,) though ingeniously I have come up with a brilliant system. I have three, quarter mugs a day, that way I feel like I’m going for a break with a coffee and I finish the cup in a few warm sips and am satisfied in pretending that I have had three caffeine kicks when really it’s only been one mug all day! My god what am I turning into? A nun? It’s upsetting to hear me get excited over rationing my daily fuel.
So a Friday night in, I’m being extra dramatic now sitting in the dark with tea watching drama films no less. I had to convince myself that I was sick and that it’s ok to stay at home and do nothing because I am ever so ill… will feel better tomorrow for my double (thank goodness.) I even put pyjamas on right away as I got in the door, and when a roommate came in she asked how I was feeling. I’ll be honest I am not at my finest mood so she probably did think I was indeed sick. Then she asked if I was suffering from withdrawals. Wow! I know I drink every day but that’s a scotch or two over a book and candle light, or quiet beers with a friend one on one; I don’t get crazy every night to be able to get feverish withdrawals. The past month is a different story but the craziness where I couldn’t say no happened on average twice a week. Or more… whatever, I have some fantastic photos. Ooh, I should post some. Also I should weigh myself and see if it truly works. Obviously I didn’t get much sleep again last night, fingers crossed this round champ. I’m tired and loopy, maybe a teeny bit emotional. These 30 herbs and vitamins are considerably draining. This may sound disgusting but I thought I would be, you know, a-hem, sticking to the toilet with this cleanse, but so far not. If I found out this is some cruel joke…
Anyway, off to a wild party of steaming my face and having a late night snack at 10.30pm, plain cashews, mmm, mmm good! Will let you know what time I fell asleep tomorrow.
Day 4, Jan 23rd, 2010: Anticipation
So when is it exactly that I start to feel good? ‘Cause honestly so far, and I know I am only a mere, few days in, I feel {unaccountably} horrid and am literally losing sleep due to this little project of mine. In respect of obvious knowledge good things come in due time, it so happens that this will take time until I begin to sense any benefits out of it, such as energy, a fuller wallet and hopefully a cleaner liver and smaller thighs (but let’s face it, you never ever get to choose what goes, if I want an inch off my thighs I lose a bra size, it’s extremely annoying.) Eventually I will gain more strength and have sweet dreams, or so I hope, it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. The first week (or as I have been told,) even months, are the hardest. Not that I expect enlightenment as a dire result, I can always re-join yoga and meditate for that if I were consistent, but I find it somewhat re-assuring that some of the biggest drinkers I am acquainted with claim that they have gone clean in the past and made it through the everlasting struggle period…. that also doesn’t encourage me much since I’ve only known them as big drinkers in the latter- But if they did it for a 3 weeks or longer, than I am fucking golden!
You might have presumed by now that the lack of sleep factor hasn’t gotten much easier. In fact I find it quite detrimental and disturbing. Does that therefore mean I can only rest before 6am if I have had a bit of booze in my blood? Speaking of which, being female we can’t process alcohol at as an apparent pace as men can, regardless of weight or tolerance, trust me, I remember getting breathalysed after two hours back in Australia. Back to my point nonetheless, I was exhausted the other night. I was in bloody pjs, sipping herbal tea and having a crazy facial steam party for one on a Friday and embracing the clock at an early hour in which to collapse, yet before I knew it 7am came upon and it was too bright out and I had to work in less than 4 hours. I don’t understand it? Perhaps it’s the plentiful variation of vitamins that are keeping me stimulated, for I have cut caffeine down by at least 60%. You’d think I’d be sleeping like a dog, except I’m like a zombie, but one that has a brain that won’t keep calm. I wish I could relax, and trust me I’d like to more often than I give myself the chance. I tend to be a busy body. I like to be doing things all the time. If it’s slow at work I make mistakes, if it’s absolutely slammed I am on fire and make magic happen (only because it’s a miracle that I can perform on such levels of consequences from ….you get the gist) I work better as a person in general when I have things to do constantly, otherwise I guess I get fidgety. Even in a theatre watching a movie that I am highly entertained by I still find a way to crack my knuckles throughout it. Not considerably uncomfortable, I make myself comfortable in the oddest of circumstances it seems. Who knows, this is the kind of shit I’m starting to recognize as personality traits and –don’t want to say faults- as I journey on this cleanse. Surreal.
I can be a creature of comfort most definitely, I enjoy being domesticated and sometimes being lazy, that’s why I loved Thailand so much. Half the time all I did was lye in a hammock in the sun with a book and cheap whisky. However I always have that voice in the back of my head saying I should be doing something and then I feel guilty if I don’t do it. I have been saying I’d quit smoking and learn guitar for many years, mind you. It could mean I’m anxious and that’s why liquor gives me a sensation of peace. A false pretence perhaps, though I’m only human and not training to be a monk. Or else I try to apprehend an excuse for my utter procrastination.
On that note, I shan’t prolong future rest much further. I will anticipate the worst and hope for the better will…of everything. How dare I complain of my selfish mishaps when Haiti has problems?
Day 5 Jan 24th, 2010: Mission: FAILED
Ok, let’s not get too torn up over minor details, that’s too technical and I have enough technicalities my friend. I have been behaving rather, surprisingly good; taking a thousand remedies each day, not overdoing certain food groups, drinking plenty of water, saying no to the sweet nectar of the gods (or demons, I’ll side with both). Despite the fact that I am not completely dedicated or a 100% disciplined, hence, sleeping and still smoking stupid cigarettes, I was a little unconcerned with my short term progress thus far. I can’t be proud as there has not yet been any direct or positive outcomes. What do I care about judgment, I’ll let nature take its course.
Admittedly I did alas succumb. Of course there is always a reasonable excuse, but I made the conscious effort willingly and knew the consequences and cannot blame anyone, or choices made in the past. No point in dwelling over spilt milk. So am I upset for having a beer or two and three shots? Only I could know the answer. On the other hand, I managed to chose not continue. I don’t deserve a spanking for it, neither a medal. It was something I wanted and planned so why deny that? I had a grand time, didn’t get drunk, had a refreshing walk home and actually fell asleep without the torture of being possessed by the insomniac beast. It was indeed appreciated. I refuse to let defeat conquer me. I feel good right now.
Needless to say I don’t feel like it was a slip-up or that I am proving my weaknesses. I know I can forgo a few events and stay in with my limits, it’s not a test. This is not a Nazi cleanse, just trial and error practice. Otherwise I’d take this detox more seriously and do it properly, all or nothing. Go figure I’m more an in-betweener, a happy medium kind of gal after all. If not I’d truly go mad trying to decide which side of the fence I’m on.
Life is full of crap and full of pleasures, accepting both as they come, one or the other, or else that’s when failure falls truly upon you. If you cannot accept what is done, what has been or is to come, then what can you laugh about? What can one really enjoy or not learn from?
Tonight was Sunday-fun day. Quite lucky to have seen many people out, friends coming from separate places to join in for decent fun and music all in one small venue. In my “relapse” came realization. For me purely, I cannot stop things from happening, only try to be aware. I cannot do everything that I wish to, but never give up on them, I cannot get mad at something that I will forget about later anyhow, I cannot always just go with the flow, instead realise simply that maybe that’s the way it is, not even meant to be, but it let it be. It’s too complicated to explain, the tantalizing rain on my walk home either did me some good or maybe I did get drunk after four days sober!
Till the dawn of a new day, cheers…at least I won’t be hungover by then.
Day 6 Jan 25th, 2010: Patience is a virtue to be earned
After last night’s exertion, I woke up a little later than usual and a bit baffled, however less groggy than the past few mornings. It was nice to lie in bed without the panic of having to rush to work, and I wasn’t even resentful from having a fun night with a spot of booze. I was alright for the rest of the day actually, until the afternoon when I went to work, not really feeling up to it.
Taking my various abundance of cleanse pills earlier had me a little worried, as my roommate pointed out that taking so many and such a mixture of them can be detrimental for my kidneys. Great, there is no winning now is there. Must I take some kind of herb for my kidneys too? I’ll just continue to flush out my toxins with a plethora of water (anticipating retaining it soon and looking like a bloated whale,) but maybe that’ll alleviate the pressure my poor kidneys. Hopefully they can hold out another 8 days, you’d think alcohol would be worse for them anyhow.
Work was slow tonight, so I was bored and getting more impatient. I have to learn to hold back frustration, just to not let silly things bother me. Maybe it is working; maybe if I feel somewhat bitchy then it is doing its trick, very slowly. It’s only day 6 and I drank a morsel last night, but so far nothing much has noticeably changed except for my social life and moods, however that can also be due to lack of sleep and stressing over money. Same old story sadly. I think it’s time to re-write it. My rule if I do end up having a mere slip up again; one pint = 4 pints of water. One shot = a slap from a bystander. On second thought I may enjoy that too much, this coming from the girl who invented the game “slap/drink”, mind you I was in Australia at the time and hanging out with young boys! Sigh, back in those good old days….
Tomorrow is another story, another day.
Day 7 Jan 26th, 2010: Denial
I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want a drink. I don’t want sleep. I don’t want fun. I don’t want sex. I don’t want more work. I don’t want to travel. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want a Laphroaig in a glass right now either!
Day 8 Jan 28th, 2010: The Hunger
My constant hankering for the booze lingers and I lust after food with an unhealthy keeness. I salivate over sex all the time now too. This girl is starving for physical intimacy. I relentlessly want to eat or keep having fantasies, today more than ever. My body is telling me many things and one of them is “consume now”! Whether it be food or a man I find attractive (two in particular actually). I cannot seem to stop myself. I don’t even need another bite, yet I’ll grab a 4th handful of nuts anyways (pun not intended!). I won’t really have an appetite; yet regardless I’ll still look in the cupboards for any little thing to nibble. I’m endlessly thirsty except that I’m bored of drinking water and tea too often at this point and feel like I’ll drown myself if I keep swallowing so much fluid. I yearn for something else fulfilling, and not just delicious concoctions I make, like just now for dinner. I never put this much effort into cooking solo – I made a lemon-chilli, beetroot, pear, onion and yam cous-cous, complimented with a miso and sesame baked arctic char (like trout)….soooo good (yet non-fattening or heart threatening. It would be better polished with a glass of pinot gris nevertheless.) I will thoroughly enjoy eating this dish, will be full as hell afterwards, probably get horny some time (a few times relatively,) eat some more later….then repeat. Maybe I am always like this, but just a little tipsy to notice? Perhaps I numb myself towards sexuality and instead of cooking I eat in liquid form, like getting my daily sugar from the fruits of wine? I need the fruit of the loin, or else I’ll just continue to perpetually gorge, though I’d prefer to devour something I can’t assimilate.
At this part being week two by now, my mind is significantly filled with thoughts and my body full of desires. The cravings are insatiable. Curious as to how long this will last before I explode.
Does this mean I’m contemplating dating? Eeesh, I don’t even like the sounds of that word. Plus I couldn’t go on a date without being accompanied with a drink (for your information that’s completely fair.) I just need to relax and contain myself until something happens. Perhaps I’ll get over it….or I gotta do something about it ‘cause this is getting out of my control!
I should exercise, ha! No, but really, desperately, now more than ever.
Day 9 Jan 29th, 2010: Everything seems pointless
Pardon me if I may sound a little negative, but honestly this whole idea is nonsense. What good is going to come out of this essentially? I just realize more and more what a hypocrite I am. Example, who still smokes on a Cleanse? Who says it’s ok to have a drink once in a while after a few days? I haven’t even joined a gym yet! And I broke down and ate half a cookie too…
Indeed these are my rules and I don’t consider myself a Queen of regulation, I simply hoped I could carry through a task that would initially benefit my own health thus far. Just because my slip ups are not in large quantities it does not negate the ordeal. At least I’m not drunk and spending more money than I make it’s all of a sudden. On a smaller level could I to desert my mission? I thought, (though I knew I’d cave in a slight bit on occasion) that I would be prancing around full of natural energy by now, that I would finally have a glow and a good feeling, you know, feel cleansed.
Turns out that it takes much more will power and determination than I actually have. If it were for another cause then it would be easier, but because it’s something that is merely selfish, it’s been that much more challenging. Sounds dumb, I’m aware of that. I’ve always been one to claim that if you give a 100% and don’t succeed, it’s worse than failure, for if you scarcely put in 80% percent and abandon all hope, it wasn’t your best effort. I do not know where I came up with that ridiculous concept, but so far it hasn’t worked for me, and that is also why I don’t believe in rules, even if they are your own! It’s easier to play by someone else’s rules therefore, because you wouldn’t want to let them down. You can always punish or push yourself another day, in another way.
‘Tis day 9 and I’ve given into temptations more than I was allowing myself from the start, yet I still have 4 more days and possibly nights to go. Without hesitation I admit I feel utterly redundant. On a moral aspect I’ve said “no” to more than I have agreed upon, although it doesn’t seem quite enough. Not insinuating that I should be working out to Tony Short videos –unless for the pure giggle- or that I shall whip myself for missing a vitamin here or having one beer there, when I usually have…well, a lot more, but nor shall I pride myself for rationing when I shouldn’t even have any in the first place. My ultimate target was never mentioned, only that I imagined I’d be inspired more, awakening my spiritual side and painting creative portraits, practicing yoga on my living room floor in the morning, not getting depressed over the stupid shit as I am currently embroiled in. I don’t play conformity all too well; I reckon I am truly good at enjoying freedom, though not of late. Part of this is more feeling like I am stuck in a place when I wish could grow and explore elsewhere. I absolutely suck! I am no different, for better or for worse, I am still considerably ruthless, definitely sleepless, absurdly contemplative and ever so hungry, and if I’m lucky, exceptionally lascivious, but that also has shown no results in the end.
I guess I’m saying I need stress relief, and I’m used to having a few drinks to forget my stress. Maybe I shan’t give up until I battle this demon from within; this is that darkness before the light…right? This aggravation is like a tenant that won’t pay or go away, keeps squatting there. I have to figure out how to evict it, or else I’ll be only half happy for my entire life? With the kind of stuff I’m talking, just let me have a darned drink; I’m talking crazy shit! Or just one kiss and I’ll shut up. I can’t be alcohol and sex deprived, I’m no Monk and I’m not normal without either of them it appears. Or I should go to bed now as I have work in a few hours and I’m probably over zealous and over tired. Pay no mind, switch off the mind, and don’t pollute yourself with all this nonsense.Grrr! Good night.
© Tabytha Towe Jan 31st 2010
