Hello beautiful Sara ,

The last time I wrote to you I was blissfully sailing through the aftermaths of my birthday celebrations and sharing on the power of sisterhood.  And just like, that, my life changed.

My beloved grandmother, my Oma, passed away on June 1st.  I was blessed to be able to fly to Philadelphia to be with her for the last day and a half of her life.  To lie in bed next to her, whisper in her ears, hold her hands (oh, I love her hands!)… these last moments are so precious to me.

There is so much to say about my Oma.  She taught me the joy of growing veggies and flowers.  She gifted me with a love for Nature.  She taught me the art of flirtation – she knew how to bat her gorgeous blue eyes.  As a Holocaust survivor, she taught me that life is to be lived to its fullest and that every moment is one to be delighted.  She taught me to follow my dreams and work hard.  She showed me an epic love affair with my Opa.

This is her legacy that she passed to me and that I will pass to my children and grandchildren.  Her blood runs in my veins… we are of the same lineage.

This photo was taken last summer.  When I stood next to her, she giggled that she had shrunk so much and that she was now a little Granny!  92 looks pretty GOOD!

Death.  It is so surreal, right?  One moment I am speaking to her on the phone while she is wishing me a happy birthday, and within a flash, I am watching her take her last breath.

In those last days with her, I wondered what she was feeling and experiencing.  What was it like knowing that you were leaving behind your life and loved ones?  And where is it that you go?  I have strong spiritual beliefs and yet, realized that I have no idea what I believe about death.  It is such a mystery.  Truly humbling.

As a Birth Doula and Midwife Assistant for 7 years, I supported more than 150 women as they crossed into motherhood.   I always assumed that death was similar to birth but had never witnessed someone as they walked through this threshold.   The first breath, the last breath, the beginning and the end… the cycle of life.

Here is what I experienced:

Waiting:

There is a lot of waiting in death.  My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer one week before she died.  The Dr’s said she would live another 4 months and in one week, her body shut down.  Hospice was called to her home.  My mom hired aides to be there in the morning and night.  And we waited.  We talked to her.  She opened her eyes every now and then.  She slept.  Waited for the inevitable with no way to prepare for the immeasurable loss.

There is a lot of waiting in labor and birth.  Waiting to go into labor!!  You never know when that is going to happen.   Waiting once labor begins for the contractions to increase and strengthen.  And then, women always asking, “Do you know how much longer this will be?”  Waiting for the moment when a baby is born and a woman’s heart bursts open with love

TLC:

My Oma was completely cared for.  She was bathed in her bed.  My mom made homemade applesauce for her.  My uncle gave her drops of wine.  Her clothes were changed to housedresses she loved.  We whispered love notes in her ears.  We stroked her arms and held her hands.  Nothing existed besides her.

A woman in labor, with the best support, is completely loved up.  Taken care of so that she can focus on following her body and natural rhythms.  She is massaged, sung to, whispered words of power and praise.  All to fill her up so that she can remember her strength, courage, and beauty.

Life Goes On:

For 1 ½ days, I sat with my Oma.  Nothing else existed.  There was nothing as important as each moment.   I didn’t use my phone or check my emails.  In fact, this place of complete presence was so natural and beautiful.

The night before she passed, my mom and I took a walk and life was happening all around her apartment building.  I felt like I was coming into the world after a long slumber… like I had forgotten what the outside world was like….and that it even existed.  Little girls were playing on their bikes, people were grocery shopping, airplanes were flying in the air, a deer graced us with her existence.  Life goes on while you are cocooned and witnessing someone in their last moments on this Earth.

Every time I would leave a birth, I would walk outside to my car and be amazed that while I had just witnessed a miracle, people were busy living their lives.  While a woman became a mother, people were waking up to their alarm clocks, eating breakfast, going to work, and living their normal life.  How can that be when I just saw a being born and take her first breath?  Life keeps moving no matter what.

This has been such an amazing, humbling, sad, beautiful experience.  I got home to LA after 8 days on the East Coast and there, on my dining room table, was a birthday card from my Oma.  I opened it up and cried.  Here I stood, having just gone to her funeral and now reading words she had written to me days before… how does my brain make sense of this?

In Traditional Chinese Medicine, they say that when you grieve, it means you have truly loved.  Yes, this is true and I remember this when I miss her voice or presence.

Why am I sharing all of this?  Birth and Death.  The cycle of life.

1.  As a woman, you are attuned to cycles.  You cycle every month (and even if you no longer have a cycle, you are still tuned to the rhythms of the Moon).   You understand that there are life cycles moving in rhythm throughout your life.  And everything in between of your first breath and your last is a miracle.

2.  You have the opportunity to leave a legacy.  At some point, you are going to leave this planet.  Death is the only given we have in this life.  So, what do you want to be remembered for?  What imprint do you want to leave in this short time you have here?  Please take a moment to think about this.  And begin to take actions towards this.

3.  Life is precious.  Death reminds us that there are no guarantees in life.  Stop tolerating anything in your life.  Don’t wait for things to be perfect because they never will be.  Be courageous and take a leap.  This is your life…. make every moment and every choice one that moves you in the directions of more pleasure, happiness, joy, health, and abundance.

Please share your comments on the blog.
Has this story moved or inspired you in some way?
Have you recently dealt with death and loss?

With so much Love!!

And in honor of my Oma.

Blessings of love to your Grandma Joanne, and keep the gifts of her love and wisdom close to your heart.

I interviewed Joanne Cohen ( <joanne@naturallyprosperous.com>) on hormones and I am very excited to have her coming on my new network soon. This is her old show with very current info.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/authenticyouradio/2013/03/20/hormones-and-menopause-the-secrets-the-myths-the-truth

Yes I am referring to Lady Gaga’s hit single “Born this way”. For those of you who have not had the opportunity to read some of the other pages and articles on this web site. My name is ‘Smok’n DAWG’ Mackie and I until a few days ago I have spent my entire life overcoming multiple challenges. I had OCD, I use to live in excruciating pain everyday of my life, and I had a life threatening Neuromuscular disease. (Read: “Thankful to be alive!” if you want to learn more) So what does all this have to do with Lady Gaga’s song “I was born this way”? Well the other day someone commented on how much better I was doing and asked me how I did it. After telling them my story their response to it was so profound and inspiring that I had to just get home to write this article so it could be shared around the globe.

to continue go to

http://smokndawg.com/2013/04/03/i-am-so-thankful-that-i-was-born-this-way/

A Shelter Dog asks God… Author: Joan C. Fremo Published on: July 29, 2001
Dear God,
What is “Time”?
I hear the sadness in the voices of workers here. They say my “Time is up”, that they have to make room for yet another dog.

My “Time” is up. I don’t know what that means, God. I only know that my new friends are so sad, and the more I wag my tail—the harder I try to make them feel better—the sadder they become.

I know I have heard that word “Time” before, but I don’t understand. When I was younger, my people would say “Time to play!” They would throw the ball, and I would run fast. Sometimes I brought it back to them, but other times we’d end up chasing each other having fun.

I remember “Time to eat”. My people would put down a bowl of food, and I would enjoy dinner, wagging my tail in joy. There was also “Time for your walk”. My boy would put my leash on, and we would go walking together, visiting the neighborhood and enjoying each other’s company.

When I was younger I thought “Time” meant fun. Or maybe Love?

I don’t understand. “Time” must mean something else, but how can it change, God? Before I came here, I heard my people say, “No time to feed you now, boy. Later, when I get home.” Sometimes my family would forget, and there was no food in my bowl.

Does “Time” mean when my belly hurts?

My people said there was no time for walks. I tried to hold it all day long– but God, I just couldn’t anymore. When I finally had to go, it made my family very angry.

Does “Time” means anger? Or maybe Loneliness?

My family said they didn’t have “Time”. They didn’t have time to play, or time to take me to the vet, or time to go for walks. They didn’t have “Time”, so they brought me here.

Maybe I was right… They said they didn’t have time, and if “Time” means Love, how did they lose it?

Did I do something wrong?
God, I think my new friends are sending me to you. Do you have “Time”? May I sit on the couch?

Am I a good Dog, God?

Please help stop the killings of these helpless animals, when you take them to a shelter many are killed, such a disposable society, where is the value of life when it comes to our pets? We can’t love them then neglect them and send them somewhere to die, it is time to make this stop. Say no to kill shelters, help people keep the pets, and let us put tough penalties on animal abusers and let us show the rich where they can put their money to good use. 

Help an animal to live today.

By Bill Mackie

I would like to start off by letting you know that I am not a medical professional, psychologist, physiatrist and I do not personally know a lot of medical facts about OCD. The only thing I know is what it is like to live with OCD every day of my life and the things that I have learned though my experiences in life. I hope that this story may inspire others to embrace their special ability and become self-empowered by what OCD can help them to achieve in life!

For those of you who do not know what Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is, well it is really simple, well not really… From the stereotypical diagnosis of OCD it results form of the development of an extreme phobia which in turn manifest into a compulsive behavioral pattern.  Perhaps the most common stereotype  being a person developing an extreme phobia to germs which manifests itself into a compulsive behavioral pattern where by the person can not stop washing themselves. Unfortunately this type of OCD only effects a very small number of people with OCD, the vast majority of us do not display such behavioral patterns and often go either undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed as having ADD or ADHD . The empowerment of OCD can manifest itself in many form; for example people with OCD are at high risk of becoming drug addicts, alcoholics, hoarders, cult leaders, activists, famous actors,pop musicians, artists, world class athletes, mathematicians, scientists, inventors, financial experts, lawyers, debaters, industrial tycoons and global leaders.It all depends on how each individual learns to harness the amazing power of this very special gift!

Yes you read it right, this is a very special gift that once mastered can allow one to excel beyond what others believe to be possible. The reason I say this is that I have lived it and done it. I owe a lot of this to my portents who took the time to learn about me and how my brain works and then they had the patience to help me understand myself. I don’t go into a lot detail here about that process, the main thing that we discovered is that people with OCD, ADD and ADHD all share one common thing, our brains are extremely hyper active. One of the early childhood signs of having any one of these conditions is that the individual may excel in in some subjects and fail miserably with others. People with OCD will typically withdraw from everything that does not interest them and will spend all their time working with the things that interest them. People ADD and ADHD on the other hand become disruptive and hyperactive and move quickly from one thing to the next. In both cases when they are asked why the answer is usually that they are bored… sound familiar.

Boredom is not the real answer, it really is that the individual has been posed with an internal question that they can not find the answer to and the mind gets so engrossed if finding the answer that nothing else matters. Here’s an example of how the OCD mindset works.

This something pretty well every parent can relate to: you tell your child to clean up their room.

The responses you get from your child are that they will do it or they won’t do it until you make me do it- sounds pretty typical…

Here’s what goes on in the OCD mind once they decide to comply with your request:

First we spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what you have told them to do. This is perhaps the biggest problem for people with OCD because our mind begins to think of every possible solution to your request and we become stuck in this process loop because we have not got enough information about what we have been requested to do (What your expectations are). To you the request was very simple- go clean your room. To us did you mean to; vacuum the floor, dust the furniture, put away the toys, make the bed, change the bed sheets, wash the windows, wash the floor, clean the bathroom, reorganize the closet, and this list goes on and on until every option has been considered and exhausted.  Next we will spend time mapping out in our minds our plan of attack needed to accomplish the tasks. Finally we begin the cleaning job. After cleaning the room we begin the process again because we feel that we have missed something or that we could do it better and we will repeat this process over and over, each time making improvements to the process until everything is done to perfection.Needless to say that once you get someone with OCD to clean your house you will end up with the cleanest house on the block.

This may seem like a very simple and very silly example but this is how our minds work, it also is the reason that children with OCD refuse adamantly to clean their rooms when asked. We know that once we get into this loop our minds won’t allow us to stop because it wants to attain perfection!

This was the biggest breakthrough my parents made in dealing with my OCD and one that allowed me to go out into the world and live a relatively normal life and without having to resort to taking any drugs!

The solution was really simple but took us many years to master. Communication is the key, a person with OCD does not have a great capacity for listening to linear conversation. That is when you told them to clean their room this is a very linear topic that results in a yes or no answer. The OCD mind loves lots of data and specifics gathered through an negotiated process. That is a conversation revolving around a series questions and answers rather than requests. The biggest challenge for my parents was learning to ask me and negotiate rather than command me!

Here’s what worked for my parents and me in resolving the “Go clean your room” scenario…

Before even asking me to clean up my room, my mom first would ask me what I was doing and ask some more question about that subject. This is the most important step is learning how to effectively communicate with someone with OCD. You must first get to know where their mind is at, once you know that you can than redirect the conversation to the topic you want to discuss.The tough part for you is learning how to ask appropriate questions in order to get their attention. The second biggest challenge is learning how to give answers to the questions they pose to you. Once you master both of these skills 90% of the challenges in effectively dealing with someone with OCD can be handled with successful outcomes!

The next import factor in dealing with someone with OCD is understanding what triggers the OCD behavior. People with OCD are all great problem solvers because when posted with a challenge that interest them they will devote every bit of their energy to resolving the problem. This is why people with OCD can excel at things like art, music, acting, math, science, business, technology and athletics. When we put our minds to it nothing is impossible! The challenge for us is being able to maintain a balance so that we be not become totally engrossed in doing one thing! Again the solution to this problem is simple, we need to a have routine in our lives, however the process to making it work requires a lot of work. First you must understand the difference between routine and a structured schedule. Routines are things that are done a regular basis but without any structure or fixed schedules. In our example my parents made it a routine for me to clean one room of the house a day. Outside of this one simple request their were no other time constraints placed on accomplishing the task and it was up to me to make the time to get the task completed. Along with this request was a listing of exactly what was expected of me to accomplish that we established through the negotiation process. In the beginning these lists were extremely detailed, for example my mom would specifically write down every thing in detail,  like dust each piece of furniture once only and  don’t worry if you don’t get all the dust. Give the room a quick vacuum. Tidy up the magazines on the coffee table and put last months issues away in the bookcase. Don’t worry about anything else you can do it next week. This is just a simple example, but a very important tool for you to learn to use, eventually I got to the point where I no longer needed these lists and could go clean a room and walk away when finished! But it takes a lot of time and hard work to master these very basic skill.

Be forewarned schedules are deadly to someone with OCD! My parents’ only became aware that I had some sort of mental problem once I started school. It all began around grade 2 when my school day became more structured. I suddenly became a very withdrawn child, my teacher would make comments on my report cards like “Bill does not put forth any effort in English  and does not complete the assignments when asked. However he has an incredible aptitude for math and science which consumes most of his time and he excels at with ease”. The problem revolved around the ridged structure of the education system, despite the fact that I could read and understand technical book well beyond my age group, having to drop that interest everyday when the class ended to go learn something else resulted in creating stress that I could not handle. I just wanted to be left alone with my science books! It took my parent many years to figure this one out, and in fact it wasn’t until I had my first major accident that they realized that was what the problem was( to learn more about this be sure to read ‘Thankful to be alive!”). Living in a highly structured scheduled environment structure can trigger OCD super fast because we become so preoccupied with meeting the structure and maintaining a schedule that our lives fall apart.

What I have learned throughout this whole process is to live my life by my version of the Kiss principle… Keep it satisfyingly sustainable!

My life is very routine, but without any structure or schedule. I have learned how to distribute intellect interests amongst several different yet related things at the same time so that I don not get totally consumed by any one thing. In my career choices I prefer working at many jobs part time at the same time and have never worked at a full time job where I performed only one primary job function. I have learned how to develop interests in subjects that are outside my comfort zone. In fact sitting down and writing these stories is something no one would have ever guessed that I would love doing so much! Once one learns how to embraced the empowerment of OCD, one can achieve amazing feats!

If you get chance to read “Smok’n DAWG the musician…” and “Smok’n DAWG the tech junkie…” and you will get a better understanding of what I am talking about. Now that I look back on my life and begun reliving it through these stories I am very thankful for all things that my OCD has empowered me to be able to accomplish. My only regret is waiting until I was 50 years old before I discovered it’s true beauty and power and stopped living in fear of what others would think of me because of the stigmatisms associated with Mental Illnesses. I am proud to be 100% OCD empowered!

Please sign the petition to change the label of OCD and more here. http://smokndawg.com/

The Smok’n DAWG’s motto for life…

““Yesterday is history, tomorrow is still a mystery, but today is a very special gift. 
That’s why it is called the present, so savor this moment for it may be your last!”“

Aspiringly,

Bill “The Smok’n DAWG” Mackie

PS My door is always open and I would love to personally read your comments, suggestion and answer any questions you may have. Please feel free to contact me via my personal email “thesmokndawg@smokndawg.com” or if you would like to talk with me in person you can Skype the ‘smokndawg’ (please leave me a detailed voice message if I can’t answer your call right away and I will get back to you as soon as I can).

Aspiringly,

Bill “Smok’n DAWG” Mackie
The Digital Audio Workstation guy!