I knew it was coming, I prayed for it, it is what was meant to be, and so why now am I numb and shaky over it?
My Mama Joanna passed February 13th 2015, she was 95 years old and bed bound for the last 6 years.
Mom and Dad at 27 and in love, now together.
Her body had given out, but she fought back with her mind and strong will to live, she said she wanted to die but was afraid, and because of that fear she made her self-terrified of dying. She was up to a few weeks ago, still in conversations with you, ate well, watch T.V and moaned about life. Then suddenly it changed, the body started breaking down fast, she could not eat, hearing sight speech all went and then the ability to swallow.
I put out a prayer request on Face Book, and over 70 people sent her written blessings in her crossing over peacefully, they took the time to write words not just click the like button, my Mama was dead within 24 hours and died peacefully. I am so grateful to everyone and their words of loving energy and in helping her see the Angels around her waiting for her.
The Angels have been there for a while, but could not take her till she was ready, with those energy blessings it gave Mama the light to crossover. She was on Morphine at the end, and this I believe broke down her fear barrier allowing her to see the Angels who were there for her.
My sister Jane and Brother Sam with Mama
My sister said that is was a cold rainy day grey rain dull, but then suddenly the Sun came out and shone right above my Mothers head beaming down on her. She looked up the light and with open hands and eyes crossed over in peace, I had prayed for such a crossing, people had prayed for her peaceful crossing, and here it was. Thank you thank you thank you.
So our prayers answered, she has gone home to the cosmos and is partying it up with old friends, she is out of pain, and dancing again and feeling free at last. I do not worry about her now, I know she is in good hands, safe, loved, in truth and knowledge she is home.
I am rather surprised at my own reaction, I learnt of my Mamas demise by email, and was physically taken back, I immediately called my sister who told me what happened, but I had 5 appointments that day and no time to take it in. My son came over, with flowers bless him, but I had to look after his puppies while he ran an errand then it was all go going from one appointment to another. I went to all the appointments, and by the time I came home was feeling really shaky, fell up the stairs but had to cook so still no time to process.
My youngest daughter Tasha came over with flowers (forgoing a birthday party) bless her, and we drank Scotch to my Mama and talked about her and life. I really thought that when she was there I would cry buckets, but still no tears.
My eldest daughter is overseas, but so happens was of face book when I messenger, so glad we had that connect and she was there at that time.
My self with my Mama and Brother Sam
The next day tired with no sleep, I was still shaking but no tears. Routine had to happen, dog to walk, food to cook, work to do. I was feeling numb, no tears a mixture of sadness and gladness, I had a long talk with my sister and emailed back and forth to my brother, worked, walked and still no tears. My neighbor joined me on my walk and came for tea, I needed company thank you Sharon, and your support was most welcome.
You see I am the one people call when this happens to them, I support them, help them get through it, I am not used to being on this side. It is quite lonely, I have had so many people reach out to me through face book and it means a lot to me, my friend Jan called and gave me strength, she had been there so she knows, she also was a country away when her Mama died and you do feel so disconnected. I am not going home, Mama did not want that, (I had visited last April as she wanted to see me while she was still ok) instead the Children and I are going to cook some of Mamas favorite foods , play cards and drink Scotch and celebrate her life.
My rational tells me she is in a better place and I know that, it was her time, and she was in pain. I wanted it for her and got it, but now it has sunk in that no more calls to her on a Saturday, no more speaking to her. My brother is free now having taken such good care of her for the last 6 years along with my sister. He is free to move on with his life, he had a heart attack last year and has not had time to really get over it because of looking after Mama, so now is his time to revisit his own life fully and completely for which I am grateful for. My sister moved into her new home and will be there for my brother, they have each other, they are lucky. Thank you both for the love and care you gave our Mama.
So knowing everyone is where they are meant to be, and feeling happy for them all, why do I feel so empty? When my father died I was 11 y/old, I apparently went to my Mama and said to her “God took the one that was the weakest and left the strongest to carry on” I forced tears then but knew my Dad was home and now at peace for he was not happy here on earth.
I cry at movies, commercials, beautiful pictures, puppies etc, so why can I not cry for my Mother? Will they come? Or am I so at peace with her crossing there are no tears for her? Or maybe the tears are for me and will come in a bazaar way at some time, hopefully not in the middle of an interview.
So I guess this feeling of lonesomeness will pass, tears will come and the sadness of me losing Mama will pass. My very good friend Jan is taking me to Mexico in March and there is a good place to allow my soul to truly feel.
I will miss you Mama Jo, thank you for being my Mama, we will speak soon when you’re ready to reach out, I am ready to receive you. I love you now and forever, and will always remember your cheeky smile and your love for me.
95 years old was quite a triumph and you had an extraordinary life. Bless you and until we meet again.
Your loving daughter Sara
